INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY
[Jerry is sitting on his couch reading the newspaper. Steve bursts in, looking panicked]
Steve: (frantically) Jerry! I’ve got a crisis! A complete disaster!
Jerry: (barely looking up) What, did you finally take a look at the rotation? I did try to tell you…
Steve: Worse! I accidentally added PP to a group text with the entire front office!
Jerry: (confused) PP?
Steve: (exasperated) PP. The Phillie Phanatic!
Jerry: (puts down newspaper) The mascot? How do you accidentally add a mascot to a group text?
Steve: (pacing) I was putting together this Signal chat with the whole front office to discuss our final roster cuts, and somehow…
Jerry: Wait, you added the actual costume to a group text?
Steve: (annoyed) No, Jerry, the person inside the costume! And now they know everything!
[Elaine enters]
Elaine: What’s with him?
Jerry: Apparently he added the Phillie Phanatic to a secret Mets group chat.
Elaine: (laughing) How do you even get the Phanatic’s number?
Steve: (defensive) We’re in the same mascot charity group chat. I just scrolled too far!
Jerry: (still confused) So the person who plays the Phillie Phanatic now knows… what exactly?
Steve: (dramatically) Everything! Our plans to trade for a pitcher! Our concerns about Alonso. My thoughts on the new uniforms!
Elaine: (sarcastically) Oh my god, they know about the uniforms? The Phillies will certainly use that against you.
[Chad, the Mets social Media intern, runs in, phone in hand]
Chad: Mr. Steve! The Phanatic just tweeted green fuzzy emojis and baseball emojis! Do you think it’s a code?
Steve: (grabbing Chad’s phone) Let me see that! He’s taunting us!
Jerry: I really don’t think the person in a green costume is going to steal baseball secrets.
Steve: (panicking) You don’t understand. I said the Phillies were a “second-rate team with a first-rate mascot.”
Elaine: That’s… actually kind of a compliment.
[Steve’s phone rings. He answers it on speaker]
Voice: (playful honking sounds)
Steve: (to phone) Look, I know it’s you! What do you want?
Voice: (more honking sounds, then hangs up)
Steve: (terrified) He’s toying with me!
Jerry: Did the Phillie Phanatic just prank call you?
[Kramer bursts in]
Kramer: Hey buddy! Got your message! When’s the all hands on deck meeting, you didn’t mention a time.
Elaine: YOU’RE in the group chat?
Kramer: Yeah. C.K. Cosmo Kramer.
Steve: Cosmo Kramer? No, C.K. is supposed to be Casey Katofsky, Director of Baseball Analytics and Advanced Scouting for the New York Mets. He oversees our’ statistical research department, player evaluation models, and leads the team’s “Pitch Lab” initiative
Jerry: Better check to see you didn’t add Louis CK.
[Steve’s phone buzzes]
Steve: (looking at phone) Oh no! The Phanatic just posted a screenshot of the chat! (reading) “LOL at the Mets thinking they can win the division.”
Jerry: (to Elaine) Is this really happening?
Elaine: (amused) The Mets’ secrets being leaked by a fuzzy green mascot? Yeah, it’s happening.
[Chad’s phone buzzes]
Chad: Mr. Steve! The Phanatic is going live on Instagram from the Phillies locker room!
[They all huddle around the phone]
Steve: (horrified) He’s showing them my texts! And they’re laughing!
Jerry: (patting Steve’s shoulder) Well, look at the bright side.
Steve: What bright side?
Jerry: At least it wasn’t Mr. Met who leaked it. That would have been really embarrassing.
