The Mets Police

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

[Jerry and Elaine are sitting on his couch when Steve bursts in, looking more triumphant than we’ve ever seen him]

Steve: (beaming) WE GOT HIM! WE ACTUALLY GOT HIM!

Jerry: (skeptical) Got who? Another player that’s “in discussions”?

Steve: No, Jerry! We signed Juan Soto! Fifteen years!

Elaine: (shocked) Wait, you actually signed someone? Like, for real? Not just “in” on them?

Steve: (dancing) Yes! No more “almost signed”! No more “we were in on him”! We got him!

[Kramer bursts in]

Kramer: (panicked) Jerry! We’ve got a crisis! All my “Almost A Met” shirts are worthless now! What am I supposed to do with 10,000 “Soto: The One That Got Away” shirts?  My T-Shirt business is ruined, Jerry!  Ruined!

Jerry: Just save them for the next free agent.

Steve: (still gloating) Not anymore! We’re a destination now! Players actually want to come here!

[Chad the social media intern, the one who tweeted on Sunday that everything at the Mets store was 20% off but that exclusions apply, walks in.)

Chad: Mr. Steve! I just tweeted “We Actually Signed Someone!” with fifteen fire emojis!

Jerry: Chad, maybe tone it down a little…

Steve: (interrupting) No, no! Let him go wild! We deserve this!

[Newman enters wearing one of Kramer’s old “Almost A Met” shirts]

Newman: Hey, can I get a refund on this shirt? It’s no longer accurate.

Kramer: (brightening) Wait a minute… I’ve got it! We’ll just cross out “Almost” and write “Actually”!

Jerry: You know you still need other players too, right?

Steve: (waving dismissively) Oh, we’re in on everybody now! And this time I mean it!

Elaine: (checking her phone) Twitter’s going crazy. Nobody can believe you actually signed someone.

Steve: (still dancing) Nothing can bring me down! We’re going to win the World Series!

Jerry: You know you still have to actually play the games, right?

[Chad’s phone buzzes]

Chad: Mr. Steve! The Yankees just tweeted congratulations… but they spelled Soto’s name wrong on purpose!

Steve: (outraged) How dare they! Quick, tweet back something clever!

Jerry: Like what? “Thanks, we finally signed someone”?

Elaine: Or “First time for everything”?

Kramer: (excited) I’ve got a new shirt idea: “The Mets: We Actually Did Something”!

Steve: (defensive) You’re all just jealous because we’re going to be unstoppable now!

Jerry: Steve, you still finished third last year.

Steve: (undeterred) That was the old Mets! This is the new Mets!

[Pete Alonso sticks his head in]

Pete: Hey guys, just wanted to say goodbye before I sign with…

Steve: (covering his ears) LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU! WE SIGNED SOTO!

Saw this tweet and haven’t investigated but hmmmm

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

Jerry: So what happened with Severino?

Steve: (defensive) Look, these free agent negotiations are very complicated…

Jerry:  They must be. You never sign any of them.

Steve: That’s not fair! We signed… uh… we signed…Frankie Montas.

Jerry:  Will you listen to yourself?  Frankie Montas.  You sound like Jeff WIlpon now.

Elaine: What happened to the great Uncle Steve who was gonna come in here and spend like crazy?

Steve: (getting worked up) We made a very competitive offer!

Jerry: Sure you did. And now he’s signing with a team that doesn’t even have a city.

Elaine: Wait, what?

Jerry:  The A’s.  They don’t even have a city.  They left Oakland and are playing in a minor league stadium in Sacramento but somehow managed to outbid moneybags here.

Elaine: They’re playing in Sacramento?

Jerry: Yeah, before Vegas. It’s like signing with a traveling circus.

Elaine:  That’s ironic, usually the circus is in Queens.

Steve: (defensive) They made him a very good offer!

Jerry: They’re playing their home games out of a tent and he still chose them over you.  Did it ever occur to you nobody actually WANTS to play for the Mets?

[Kramer and Newman burst in]

Jerry: I thought you guys left for that thing with the Mets fans… what was it?

Kramer: The Queens Baseball Convention! But Newman had to prepare his panel.

Jerry: (incredulous) YOU’RE giving a panel?

Newman: (proudly) “The Postal Worker’s Guide to Collecting Autographs Without Getting Arrested.” It’s very informative.

Kramer: He’s got a whole section on proper fence-jumping technique!

Steve: (trying to change subject) Look, Severino wanted to go somewhere else. What could we do?

Jerry: I don’t know, maybe offer him more than a team that plays their home games out of a suitcase?

Elaine: At least the A’s have an excuse for not signing players – they’re broke. What’s your excuse?

Jerry:  You know, if the A’s ever do make it to Las Vegas, they have casinos there.

Elaine:  What, did they con Vegas into handing over parkland or something?

[Chad the social media intern bursts in]

Chad: Mr. Steve! Great news! I just tweeted that we’re “in” on every pitcher in Japan!

Steve: (brightening) Yes! See? We’re being aggressive!

Jerry: Steve, you do know “being in” on players and actually signing them are two different things, right?

Steve: (getting more defensive) We signed Montas!

Elaine: (checking her phone) Oh look, the A’s are having a “Welcome Severino” ceremony… in a Walmart parking lot.

Kramer: I bet I sell a lot of t-shirts today at the QBC.  They say,: “From OMG to OMG He Left”!

Steve: (desperately) We’re getting draft pick compensation!

Jerry: After the fourth round. That’s like getting store credit at a going-out-of-business sale.

Kramer: The “Almost A Met” shirts are selling like crazy! We just got an order for 1,000 “Severino: Sacramento Dreams” shirts!

Steve: (standing up) This isn’t fair! We’re trying our best!

Elaine: Your best is losing players to a team that plays in three different cities?

Newman: (thoughtful) You know, I could expand my panel to include “How to Forward Player Mail When You Don’t Know Which City They’re In.”

Steve: I have to go. I have a meeting about potentially signing…

All: (interrupting) “Someone.” We know!

[Steve leaves in a huff]

Kramer: (calling after him) Want me to save you a seat at Newman’s panel?

[

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – MORNING

[Kramer and Newman enter]

Jerry:  Where are you two bozos going?

Kramer: Ready for QBC, buddy!

Elaine: QBC? What’s that?

Newman: (smugly) Only the greatest event of the year – the Queens Baseball Convention!

Jerry: (looking at the schedule) Oh, this should be good. Let’s see what we’ve got here…

…. “Turk Wendell Panel.” Finally, someone to explain the importance of shark tooth necklaces in baseball.

Steve: (defensive) Hey, Turk was a fan favorite!

Jerry: Yeah, because he jumped over the foul line and brushed his teeth between innings. Really scraping the bottom of the barrel here, aren’t we?

Kramer: (excited) And don’t forget Gregg Jefferies!

Jerry: Ah yes, the guy who was supposed to be the next Pete Rose but ended up being the next… Gregg Jefferies.

Elaine: What’s there to discuss? “State of the Mets: We finished third”?

Jerry: No, no, they’ve got a lot to cover. The Grimace promotion, that weird “OMG” song…

Steve: (defensive) Those were marketing successes!

Jerry: Oh right, and don’t forget the Hawk Tuh girl.

Elaine: The what?

[Jerry whispers in her ear]

Elaine: (unimpressed) That’s it? That’s what everyone was talking about?

Kramer: You know what they should call this panel? “The State of Denial”!

Jerry: They’ll probably spend an hour talking about how they’re “in” on Soto.

Elaine: Has anyone noticed Pete Alonso isn’t even on the team anymore?

Steve: (defensive) We’re still in negotiations!

Jerry: So the state of the Mets is… third place, a purple McDonald’s mascot, a TikTok song, and no first baseman?

Elaine: You know what they should really call this panel? “The State of Confusion.”

Steve: (getting worked up) I should go! The fans would love to see me there!

Jerry: Sure, Steve. Nothing says “fan appreciation” like showing up to explain why you didn’t sign Soto, Ohtani, Yamamoto, or literally anyone else.

Newman: (proudly) I’m getting everything signed. Even brought my own black licorice for Turk Wendell!

Jerry:  Well at least someone is signing something, because Steve here isn’t signing any players.

Kramer: And I’ve got my “Almost A Met” shirts to sell! Even made special ones that say “Third Place Is The New First”!

Elaine: (reading) “Mystery Panel.” Is that where they reveal which team the Mets will lose to next?

[Chad the social media intern bursts in]

Chad: Mr. Steve! Should I tweet that you’re coming to QBC?

Steve: (excited) Yes! Tell them I’ll be there to discuss our plans for…

Jerry: (interrupting) For being “in” on every free agent but signing none of them?

Steve: (frustrated) You don’t understand! We’re building something here!

Jerry: Building what? A collection of third-place finishes?

[Kramer and Newman leave]

Elaine: (to Steve) You’re not really going, are you?

Steve: (deflating) No… I just remembered I have a meeting about potentially signing… someone.

Jerry: Let me guess – it’s complicated?

[Chad’s phone buzzes]

Chad: Mr. Steve! The Dodgers just signed another free agent while we were talking!

Steve: (jumping up) But we were “in” on him!

Jerry: Of course you were, Steve. Of course you were.

…

The Queens Baseball Convention is this Saturday and a great place to make fun of the Mets.  Details here.