INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – MORNING
[Kramer and Newman enter]
Jerry: Where are you two bozos going?
Kramer: Ready for QBC, buddy!
Elaine: QBC? What’s that?
Newman: (smugly) Only the greatest event of the year – the Queens Baseball Convention!
Jerry: (looking at the schedule) Oh, this should be good. Let’s see what we’ve got here…
…. “Turk Wendell Panel.” Finally, someone to explain the importance of shark tooth necklaces in baseball.
Steve: (defensive) Hey, Turk was a fan favorite!
Jerry: Yeah, because he jumped over the foul line and brushed his teeth between innings. Really scraping the bottom of the barrel here, aren’t we?
Kramer: (excited) And don’t forget Gregg Jefferies!
Jerry: Ah yes, the guy who was supposed to be the next Pete Rose but ended up being the next… Gregg Jefferies.
Elaine: What’s there to discuss? “State of the Mets: We finished third”?
Jerry: No, no, they’ve got a lot to cover. The Grimace promotion, that weird “OMG” song…
Steve: (defensive) Those were marketing successes!
Jerry: Oh right, and don’t forget the Hawk Tuh girl.
Elaine: The what?
[Jerry whispers in her ear]
Elaine: (unimpressed) That’s it? That’s what everyone was talking about?
Kramer: You know what they should call this panel? “The State of Denial”!
Jerry: They’ll probably spend an hour talking about how they’re “in” on Soto.
Elaine: Has anyone noticed Pete Alonso isn’t even on the team anymore?
Steve: (defensive) We’re still in negotiations!
Jerry: So the state of the Mets is… third place, a purple McDonald’s mascot, a TikTok song, and no first baseman?
Elaine: You know what they should really call this panel? “The State of Confusion.”
Steve: (getting worked up) I should go! The fans would love to see me there!
Jerry: Sure, Steve. Nothing says “fan appreciation” like showing up to explain why you didn’t sign Soto, Ohtani, Yamamoto, or literally anyone else.
Newman: (proudly) I’m getting everything signed. Even brought my own black licorice for Turk Wendell!
Jerry: Well at least someone is signing something, because Steve here isn’t signing any players.
Kramer: And I’ve got my “Almost A Met” shirts to sell! Even made special ones that say “Third Place Is The New First”!
Elaine: (reading) “Mystery Panel.” Is that where they reveal which team the Mets will lose to next?
[Chad the social media intern bursts in]
Chad: Mr. Steve! Should I tweet that you’re coming to QBC?
Steve: (excited) Yes! Tell them I’ll be there to discuss our plans for…
Jerry: (interrupting) For being “in” on every free agent but signing none of them?
Steve: (frustrated) You don’t understand! We’re building something here!
Jerry: Building what? A collection of third-place finishes?
[Kramer and Newman leave]
Elaine: (to Steve) You’re not really going, are you?
Steve: (deflating) No… I just remembered I have a meeting about potentially signing… someone.
Jerry: Let me guess – it’s complicated?
[Chad’s phone buzzes]
Chad: Mr. Steve! The Dodgers just signed another free agent while we were talking!
Steve: (jumping up) But we were “in” on him!
Jerry: Of course you were, Steve. Of course you were.
…
The Queens Baseball Convention is this Saturday and a great place to make fun of the Mets. Details here.
