INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY
[Jerry and Elaine are sitting on his couch when Steve bursts in, looking more triumphant than we’ve ever seen him]
Steve: (beaming) WE GOT HIM! WE ACTUALLY GOT HIM!
Jerry: (skeptical) Got who? Another player that’s “in discussions”?
Steve: No, Jerry! We signed Juan Soto! Fifteen years!
Elaine: (shocked) Wait, you actually signed someone? Like, for real? Not just “in” on them?
Steve: (dancing) Yes! No more “almost signed”! No more “we were in on him”! We got him!
[Kramer bursts in]
Kramer: (panicked) Jerry! We’ve got a crisis! All my “Almost A Met” shirts are worthless now! What am I supposed to do with 10,000 “Soto: The One That Got Away” shirts? My T-Shirt business is ruined, Jerry! Ruined!
Jerry: Just save them for the next free agent.
Steve: (still gloating) Not anymore! We’re a destination now! Players actually want to come here!
[Chad the social media intern, the one who tweeted on Sunday that everything at the Mets store was 20% off but that exclusions apply, walks in.)
Chad: Mr. Steve! I just tweeted “We Actually Signed Someone!” with fifteen fire emojis!
Jerry: Chad, maybe tone it down a little…
Steve: (interrupting) No, no! Let him go wild! We deserve this!
[Newman enters wearing one of Kramer’s old “Almost A Met” shirts]
Newman: Hey, can I get a refund on this shirt? It’s no longer accurate.
Kramer: (brightening) Wait a minute… I’ve got it! We’ll just cross out “Almost” and write “Actually”!
Jerry: You know you still need other players too, right?
Steve: (waving dismissively) Oh, we’re in on everybody now! And this time I mean it!
Elaine: (checking her phone) Twitter’s going crazy. Nobody can believe you actually signed someone.
Steve: (still dancing) Nothing can bring me down! We’re going to win the World Series!
Jerry: You know you still have to actually play the games, right?
[Chad’s phone buzzes]
Chad: Mr. Steve! The Yankees just tweeted congratulations… but they spelled Soto’s name wrong on purpose!
Steve: (outraged) How dare they! Quick, tweet back something clever!
Jerry: Like what? “Thanks, we finally signed someone”?
Elaine: Or “First time for everything”?
Kramer: (excited) I’ve got a new shirt idea: “The Mets: We Actually Did Something”!
Steve: (defensive) You’re all just jealous because we’re going to be unstoppable now!
Jerry: Steve, you still finished third last year.
Steve: (undeterred) That was the old Mets! This is the new Mets!
[Pete Alonso sticks his head in]
Pete: Hey guys, just wanted to say goodbye before I sign with…
Steve: (covering his ears) LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU! WE SIGNED SOTO!