The Equipment Truck

INT. CITI FIELD PARKING LOT – DAY

[Jerry and Steve are standing near the equipment truck. Mr. and Mrs. Met are loading boxes]

Jerry: So this is it, huh? The annual tradition of false hope leaving for Florida?

Steve: (defensive) Hey, this year is different! We’ve got Soto!

Jerry: Yeah, and last year you had “discussions” with Ohtani. And the year before that you were “in” on Judge.

Steve: This is real! We actually signed him!

Jerry:  Sure, but you lost Alonso. It’s like trading your car for a better stereo system.

Steve: (defensive) The fans love the stereo system!

Jerry: Until they realize they have to walk to the games.

[Mr. Met struggles with a box marked “World Series Dreams”]

Jerry: You might want to ship that one ground.  You know, for a guy with such a big head, he’s not very strong.

Steve: (ignoring Jerry) Look at this, The kids from the hospital wrote letters to the players.

Jerry: (reading one) “Dear Mets, please don’t finish third again.”  I don’t think that’s from a kid.  That’s probably from that guy with the…..

Steve: (snatching the letter) Give me that!

Chad, the Mets social media intern

[Chad the social media intern runs up with his phone]

Chad: Mr. Steve! Should I tweet that the truck is heading to Florida with #LGM or #LFGM?

Steve: (sighing) Just post a picture of the Grimace waving goodbye to the truck.

Jerry: (incredulous) The Grimace isn’t even here!

Steve: (winking) The fans don’t know that.

Jerry: You really think Mets fans are that stupid?

Steve: (smugly): Jerry, Jerry, Jerry… we finished in third place last year and distracted these idiots with a purple McDonald’s mascot and a song.  We even let a cyrpto-scammer throw out the first pitch.  Boy, let me tell you how viral that went.  Two million views!

Jerry: So did the video of Mr. Met falling down the stairs.

Steve:  Jerry, these people, they love the viral stuff.

Jerry: And they fell for it?

Steve: Fell for it? They bought Grimace t-shirts! They made TikToks! They forgot we lost to Oakland!

Jerry: You lost to Oakland?

Steve: See? Even you forgot! That’s the power of marketing, Jerry. Who needs wins when you have viral moments?

[Steve makes a motion like a magician pulling a rabbit out of a hat]

Steve:  Jerry, it’s like this.  L.A. signs someone…abracadabra….we’re retiring David Wright’s number!  Everyone’s happy again.

Jerry: So your whole strategy is just… distraction?

[Elaine arrives]

Elaine:  I thought you’d be inside. What are you all doing out here in the cold?

Jerry: Watching the annual migration of false hope to Florida.

[Mr. Met drops a box labeled “World Series Plans”]

Jerry: Well, that’s symbolic.

Steve: (to Mr. Met) Be careful with that!

Elaine: Hey, why wasn’t Soto at Amazin’ Day?

Steve: (defensive) He couldn’t get a plane.

Elaine: He couldn’t get a plane? The guy making $500 million couldn’t find a plane?

Steve: (more defensive) It’s very complicated, Elaine. There are… logistics involved.

Jerry: What kind of logistics? It’s a plane. You get on it, it takes off, you land. Besides, don’t you have a plane?  You were the one flying off to Japan pretending you were going to sign one of the big Japanese free agents.  You couldn’t send your plane?

[Driver and Mr. Met approach with a box]

Driver:  Boss, what should we do with these Pete Alonso jerseys?

Steve (dis-interested):   Ehhh…put them in the storage unit on Roosevelt with the stuff from the old museum.

[Chad runs up with new tweets]

Chad: Mr. Steve! People are asking why Soto couldn’t make it to Amazin’ Day!

Steve: (irritated) Tell them he was… practicing! Yes, he was practicing.

Jerry: Practicing what? How to find an airport?

[Chad’s phone buzzes]

Chad: Mr. Steve! The Grimace tweet is going viral! Should I add something about the dance team, or do you want me to push the Hello Kitty bobblehead?

Steve: (excited) Both! And mention we’re bringing back the black jerseys!

Jerry: Black jerseys? You just announced Blue  Jerseys last weekend!

Steve: (smugly) Exactly! Keep them guessing!

[The truck driver approaches]

Driver: We’re ready to go. Just need someone to sign off.

Jerry: (to Steve) You know, most teams just quietly send their equipment to Florida.

Steve: Jerry, Jerry, Jerry… where’s the sponsored marketing opportunity in that?

[The truck starts pulling away  Mr. and Mrs. Met wave goodbye while doing a synchronized dance]

Jerry: (to Elaine) Remember when baseball was just about baseball?

Steve: (checking his phone) Hey, we’re trending! #MetsEquipmentTruck2025!

 

The Mets Police
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