Author: Shannon Shark @metspolice

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – MORNING

[Kramer and Newman enter]

Jerry:  Where are you two bozos going?

Kramer: Ready for QBC, buddy!

Elaine: QBC? What’s that?

Newman: (smugly) Only the greatest event of the year – the Queens Baseball Convention!

Jerry: (looking at the schedule) Oh, this should be good. Let’s see what we’ve got here…

…. “Turk Wendell Panel.” Finally, someone to explain the importance of shark tooth necklaces in baseball.

Steve: (defensive) Hey, Turk was a fan favorite!

Jerry: Yeah, because he jumped over the foul line and brushed his teeth between innings. Really scraping the bottom of the barrel here, aren’t we?

Kramer: (excited) And don’t forget Gregg Jefferies!

Jerry: Ah yes, the guy who was supposed to be the next Pete Rose but ended up being the next… Gregg Jefferies.

Elaine: What’s there to discuss? “State of the Mets: We finished third”?

Jerry: No, no, they’ve got a lot to cover. The Grimace promotion, that weird “OMG” song…

Steve: (defensive) Those were marketing successes!

Jerry: Oh right, and don’t forget the Hawk Tuh girl.

Elaine: The what?

[Jerry whispers in her ear]

Elaine: (unimpressed) That’s it? That’s what everyone was talking about?

Kramer: You know what they should call this panel? “The State of Denial”!

Jerry: They’ll probably spend an hour talking about how they’re “in” on Soto.

Elaine: Has anyone noticed Pete Alonso isn’t even on the team anymore?

Steve: (defensive) We’re still in negotiations!

Jerry: So the state of the Mets is… third place, a purple McDonald’s mascot, a TikTok song, and no first baseman?

Elaine: You know what they should really call this panel? “The State of Confusion.”

Steve: (getting worked up) I should go! The fans would love to see me there!

Jerry: Sure, Steve. Nothing says “fan appreciation” like showing up to explain why you didn’t sign Soto, Ohtani, Yamamoto, or literally anyone else.

Newman: (proudly) I’m getting everything signed. Even brought my own black licorice for Turk Wendell!

Jerry:  Well at least someone is signing something, because Steve here isn’t signing any players.

Kramer: And I’ve got my “Almost A Met” shirts to sell! Even made special ones that say “Third Place Is The New First”!

Elaine: (reading) “Mystery Panel.” Is that where they reveal which team the Mets will lose to next?

[Chad the social media intern bursts in]

Chad: Mr. Steve! Should I tweet that you’re coming to QBC?

Steve: (excited) Yes! Tell them I’ll be there to discuss our plans for…

Jerry: (interrupting) For being “in” on every free agent but signing none of them?

Steve: (frustrated) You don’t understand! We’re building something here!

Jerry: Building what? A collection of third-place finishes?

[Kramer and Newman leave]

Elaine: (to Steve) You’re not really going, are you?

Steve: (deflating) No… I just remembered I have a meeting about potentially signing… someone.

Jerry: Let me guess – it’s complicated?

[Chad’s phone buzzes]

Chad: Mr. Steve! The Dodgers just signed another free agent while we were talking!

Steve: (jumping up) But we were “in” on him!

Jerry: Of course you were, Steve. Of course you were.

…

The Queens Baseball Convention is this Saturday and a great place to make fun of the Mets.  Details here.

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

[Jerry, Elaine, and Steve are hanging out]

Elaine: Whatever happened with that Soto guy? I thought you guys were going to sign him.

Steve: (defensive) We made a very competitive offer! Very competitive!

Jerry: Did you though? Because that’s what you said about Ohtani.

Steve: (getting worked up) Ohtani didn’t want to come to New York! Everyone knows that!

Jerry: And Yamamoto?

Steve: (more defensive) We were RIGHT THERE with the offer!

Elaine: (checking her phone) And now the Dodgers just signed Snell…

Steve: (stands up, pacing) Look, you don’t understand how these negotiations work. It’s very complicated!

Jerry: Is it? Seems pretty simple. Other teams offer money, players sign with them. You offer money, players sign somewhere else.

[Kramer bursts through the door]

Kramer: Hey, you’ll never believe who was just  in Boston! Juan Soto! He was at Fenway Park wearing a Red Sox jacket!

Steve: (deflating) That’s… that’s impossible. We’re still in negotiations!

Jerry: Are you though? Or are you just telling everyone you’re “in” on every free agent?

Elaine: Yeah, like when you said you were “in” on Verlander.

Steve: (defensive) We signed Verlander!

Elaine: And how’d that work out?

[Newman enters]

Jerry: Hello Newman.

Newman: Hello, Je-rry. (turns to Steve) Hey, I just saw on Twitter that Mark Gooden is reporting the Mets are “in” on trading for Mike Trout?

Steve: (perking up) Well, you know, we’re exploring all possibilities…

Jerry: (interrupting) See? This is exactly what I’m talking about!

Elaine: Steve, you’re like that guy who says he’s “talking to” someone but never actually goes on a date.

Kramer: (excited) Oh! That gives me another t-shirt idea: “The Mets – We’re Talking To Everybody!”

Steve: (defensive) We make competitive offers! It’s not our fault if players choose to sign elsewhere!

Elaine: The Angels just tweeted that the Mike Trout rumor is completely false.

Steve: (quickly) Well, we never actually said we were pursuing him…

Jerry: But you were “in” on him, right?

[Everyone laughs except Steve]

Kramer: (pulling out more shirts) Look, I’ve got “Almost A Met” shirts too! And “We Were This Close” shirts! And my personal favorite: “Maybe Next Year”!

Steve: (getting up) I have to go. I’ve got a meeting about potentially signing… someone.

Jerry: Let me guess – it’s very complicated?

Steve: (at the door) You’ll see! We’re going to sign someone big! Just wait!

[Steve leaves]

Elaine: Ten bucks says that “someone” signs with the Dodgers tomorrow.

Jerry: That’s not fair. Could be the Yankees.

Kramer: (still focused on his shirts) Hey, should I start printing “Future Dodger” shirts instead?

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

[Steve bursts in, visibly excited]

Steve: (bursting in) Jerry! Jerry! You’ll never believe this – Juan Soto is following the Mets on Instagram!

Jerry: (deadpan) And this means…?

Steve: It’s a sign, Jerry! He’s coming to the Mets!

[Elaine takes out her phone, starts scrolling]

Elaine: Oh, interesting. He’s also following the Yankees.

Steve: (deflating slightly) Well, that doesn’t mean…

Elaine: And the New York Botanical Gardens.  I’m going to follow him.

Jerry: (smirking) Clearly he’s a big fan of horticulture.

Elaine: Ooh, he just followed me back.  And he follows the Avengers too!

[Kramer bursts through the door wearing a t-shirt with Soto’s face poorly photoshopped onto a stick figure]

Kramer: You’ll never believe it! I just started my new business – “Premature Celebration Shirts”!

Jerry: Your what?

Kramer: I make t-shirts celebrating sports moves before they happen! I’ve already got 5,000 “Soto’s a Met” shirts printed up!

Steve: (horrified) Kramer, you can’t do that! That’s trademark infringement!

Kramer: (animated) No no no, Jerry, you don’t understand. I changed just enough details to make it legal. See? (points to shirt) That’s not Soto’s actual face –  And I spelled it “Juan S0T0 with zeros instead of ohs.

Jerry: (examining shirt) Is that… is his body just a stick figure with baseball bats for arms?

Kramer: That’s the beauty of it, Jerry! When players don’t sign, I can just change the name and resell them! I’ve got a warehouse full of “Carlos Correa’s a Met” shirts that I’m turning into “Carlos Korea’s Asian Fusion Restaurant” shirts!

[Newman bursts in]

Newman: Kramer! We’ve got a problem! The “Judge to the Mets” shirts from last year got mixed up with the “Ohtani to the Mets” shirts, and now we’ve got boxes of shirts that say “Aaron Ohtani is Judge-ing the Mets”!

Steve: (putting his head in his hands) This is terrible.

Kramer: (excited) No no, it’s brilliant! We’re cornering the market on disappointed fans! Next week we’re releasing our “Pete Alonso Extension” line!

Steve: (perking up) Wait, what about Pete?

Jerry: (to Elaine) Here we go again…

INT. CITI FIELD – DAYChad: Mr. Steve! Great news! Our social media engagement is up 500% since Soto followed us!

Steve: (triumphantly) See? What did I tell you?

Chad: Yeah, I already tweeted “Welcome to New York, Juan! #LGM” with some fire emojis!

Steve: (horrified) You did WHAT?

[Steve’s phone starts ringing – it’s MLB officials]

Steve: (panicking) No, no,  Chad, delete it! DELETE IT!

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – THAT EVENING

[Jerry, Kramer, and Steve are watching ESPN]

Sportscaster: “In a bizarre turn of events, the New York Mets are claiming their social media account was hacked after welcoming Juan Soto to New York…”

Steve: (moaning) This is a disaster.

Kramer: (checking his phone) Oh look, Soto just unfollowed the Mets.

Jerry: But hey, at least he still follows the Avengers.

Steve: (sulking) I hate social media.

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

[Steve bursts in, looking excited]

Steve: (triumphantly) Great news! Just had an amazing meeting with Soto. He’s gonna be a Met!

Jerry: (skeptical) Really? Then why is he meeting with the Phillies right now?

Steve: (defensive) Jerry, Jerry, Jerry… you gotta understand how these things work. Agents have to do their due diligence.

Jerry: Like when you didn’t even call Ohtani’s guy last year?

Steve: (getting agitated) Ohtani didn’t want to play in New York, OK? He made that very clear!

Jerry: But Soto does. Just not for the Yankees?

Steve: (defensive) That’s different!

Jerry: (sarcastically) Oh right, because he’d rather play for the team whose identity is the Grimace instead of the team he just took to the World Series.

[Kramer bursts through the door]

Kramer:  What are you guys talking about?

Jerry: Oh, Steve here thinks Soto is signing with the Mets.

Kramer: (excited) Why wouldn’t he?  The Mets have signed lots of great free agents over the years… You got Jason Bay, Bobby Bonilla, George Foster,, Mo Vaughn….

Steve: (interrupting) Kramer, please…

Kramer: (continuing, more animated)  Luis Castillo, Vince Coleman

Steve: (getting more upset) Those were the Wilpons!!!

Jerry: (smirking) Yeah and they didn’t call Ohtani’s agent either.

Kramer: (really getting into it now) Eddie Murray, Kaz Matsui…..

Steve: (covering his ears) ENOUGH! This time it’s different! Soto wants to be here!

Jerry: (deadpan) Sure he does, Steve. Just like Jose Reyes wanted to be here before waiting seven minutes to sign with Miami.

[Steve slumps onto the couch, defeated]

Steve: (muttering) At least we still have the Grimace…

October 1985. Marty McFly has just returned from his first adventure through time, and life is finally feeling normal again. That is, until the familiar roar of the DeLorean engine shakes his suburban street. Out steps Doc Brown, wide-eyed and frantic as ever.

DOC: “Marty! There’s no time to waste! We have to go to the future—2025!”

MARTY: “Whoa, Doc, slow down! The future? Didn’t we just fix everything? What’s the problem now?”

DOC: “The Mets, Marty. The Mets are a disaster!”

MARTY: “The Mets? Doc, you’re kidding. They’re solid!  They’re even more popular than the Yankees!  1985 was a great season—they barely missed the playoffs! And 1986? I’ve got a real good feeling about next year. These new owners, the Wilpons—they seem like they’ve got their act together  They really fixed up Shea, added Diamondvision. and they’ve rebuilt the farm system, not to mention bringing in big time superstars like Gary Carter!”

DOC: “Marty, you don’t understand. The Wilpons may seem fine now, but trust me—they’re going to steer the Mets into an iceberg of incompetence that lasts for decades. Bad trades, bad contracts, bizarre management decisions—it’s an unrelenting carnival of misery.”

MARTY: “Okay, Doc, but how bad can it be? You’re talking about a team that just won 98 games this season!”

DOC: “Oh, it gets worse. Much worse. By the early 2000s, they’re the laughingstock of the league. And then—when all hope seems lost—a billionaire  buys the team in 2020!”

MARTY: “That’s great! Problem solved, right?”

DOC: “No, Marty! The billionaire talks a big game—says he’s going to spend money on free agents and promises the fans a championship within five years—but by 2025, it’s clear he’s all talk.  He never actually signs any of them!  He’s just using the Mets to open a casino!   Instead of a dynasty, the Mets are stuck in mediocrity! And that’s not even the worst part…”

MARTY: “What’s the worst part?”

DOC: “In 2025, a terrible event occurs that sends the Mets—and their fans—into a spiral of existential despair.”

MARTY: “What happens?”

DOC:  The man has no restraint! By 2025, after failing to sign a man named Ohtani and then a man named Soto, he’s so desperate to save face with fans that he makes a critical mistake—he signs Pete Alonso to a ten-year contract extension!”

MARTY: Who’s Pete Alonso?

DOC: Picture Dave Kingman with better PR.  By 2025, Alonso’s best years are behind him. His production plummets, his strikeout rate soars, and his contract becomes an albatross the likes of which Mets fans haven’t seen since Bobby Bonilla Day!”

MARTY: “Bonilla Day?”

DOC: “You don’t want to know. Trust me.”

MARTY: “Alright, fine. But how are we supposed to stop this rich guy from signing Alonso? We can’t just walk into his office and say, ‘Hey, don’t do that!’

DOC: “Ah, but that’s where the genius of the plan comes in! We don’t stop him directly. We go to the source—his chief analytics officer, This kid is a numbers wizard. If we can convince him to project Alonso’s long-term decline more aggressively, he’ll persuade the billionaire to walk away from the deal!”

MARTY: “So, the future of the Mets depends on an analytics nerd?”

DOC: “Precisely, Marty!  That and the Grimace.

MARTY:  The Grimace?  Like, from McDonald’s?

DOC:  I told you the future for Mets fans is terrible Marty.  We need to stop the Alonso signing from happening, and ensure the stats nerd has the data to kill the deal before it’s too late!”

MARTY: “Alright, Doc, I’m in. But one question—what happens if we fail?”

DOC:  “If we fail, Marty, the Mets will be stuck paying $30 million a year for a first baseman who can’t hit .220. The fans revolt. Mr. Met grows a beard. Citi Field becomes a ghost town. It’s a disaster! The fans are already desperate Marty!  They think winning the third wild card was a successful season!

MARTY:  What’s a wild card?

With the flux capacitor charged, Marty and Doc jump into the DeLorean, set a course for 2025, and speed off into the future. Their mission: save the Mets from themselves, one overhyped contract at a time.