Author: Shannon Shark @metspolice

 

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – SUNDAY MORNING

The door BURSTS open — Kramer slides in, practically vibrating with excitement.

KRAMER (shouting before he’s even fully inside):  Did you see it?! Did you SEE IT?! The Dodgers won the World Series AGAIN!

JERRY: Wow, what a shock — the rich superteam won.

ELAINE:  Well, teams with rich owners don’t always win..  Sometimes they don’t even make the third wild card.

JERRY:  You gotta sign pitching if you wanna be the third wild card.

KRAMER:  I tell ya — total team effort! Total! They even used four starters outta the bullpen! Four! Starters! Outta the bullpen!

ELAINE:  Four starters? In the bullpen?

KRAMER: That’s right! It’s genius! GENIUS! Just roll ‘em out one after another

JERRY: Imagine that, Steve. Using your starters as relievers… instead of signing relievers and making them your starters.

STEVE: (shaky) We — we were innovating.

ELAINE: Innovating? You started six middle relievers last season.

STEVE: We believed in versatility!

JERRY:You believed in chaos.

ELAINE: And overuse.

KRAMER: And Yamamoto — Yamamoto!  That guy’s like a samurai with a slider!

ELAINE: (turns to Steve, smirking) Didn’t you try to sign a guy name Yamamato?

JERRY: Uh oh. Here we go.

STEVE (defensive, raising a hand):  First of all — I DID try. I flew all the way to Japan! I ate eel! I bowed! I immersed!

(gestures dramatically)

There was immersion!

ELAINE:  And he still didn’t sign with you?

STEVE: Well he— he—

(stammers)

Listen, it was close, he… he just—

(logic collapsing)

—he went somewhere else.

JERRY:  Yes, Steve, to the team that actually wins things.

STEVE: I made an impression!

JERRY: Yeah — “never call this guy again.”

KRAMER: And Ohtani! Oh, OH-tani! The man hits, he pitches, he buys his teammates cars—

(winks)

Class act.

ELAINE: Didn’t you want Ohtani too?

STEVE: (slow burn) He. Didn’t. Call.

JERRY: Maybe he lost your number.

(beat)

Maybe everybody lost your number.

STEVE: Nobody loses my number. I have a very public number.

JERRY: Steve, I’m just saying — have you ever considered the idea that…nobody wants to be on the Mets?

STEVE: (shrill) That is NOT TRUE! People want to be Mets!

ELAINE: Name one.

STEVE:  Juan Soto.

ELAINE:  Does he pitch?

STEVE:  No Elaine, he doesn’t pitch.

KRAMER: The Dodgers win because they’re owned by a guy who signs the best players.

Shohei Ohtani!

Yamamoto!

Mookie Betts!

ELAINE:  Mookie Betts.  Isn’t that the guy the Mets wouldn’t trade Matt Harvey for?

STEVE:  (snaps) Hey that wasn’t me, that was Jeff!

JERRY:  Yeah, Betts has 4 rings now.

ELAINE:  What is Matt Harvey dong now?

JERRY:  He sells real estate in Connecticut.

STEVE:  That wasn’t me!!!!!!

KRAMER:  And don’t forget Freddie Freeman!

ELAINE: I thought Freeman was on the Braves.

JERRY:  No, he was a free agent.  The Dodgers signed him and he won the MVP.

ELAINE:  Why didn’t the Mets sign him?

STEVE:  Well, we had Pete Alonso.

JERRY:   Yes Elaine, the Mets said “Pete Alonso? Sure — he hits some homers and eats chicken parm. Good enough!”

STEVE: Pete is a cornerstone!

JERRY:  Was a cornerstone.

ELAINE: Of missing the playoffs.

JERRY: He opted out in his cleats.

KRAMER : Didn’t even shower. Just bing! Freedom.

STEVE (whining): I flew across the world for Yamamoto! What else do they want from me???

JERRY: A winner?

ELAINE: A vision?

KRAMER: A check with more zeros?

STEVE: I once offered a guy $400 million!

JERRY: And he offered you silence.

STEVE:  We had a five year plan.

JERRY:  I kinda like the Dodgers plan where you win two World Series.

ELAINE:  Maybe a six year plan?

JERRY:  Oh, the Dodgers have that too!  That comes with THREE World Series.

KRAMER: Well — I gotta go. Dodgers victory parade livestream starts in five minutes.

(door SLAMS)

 

 

The great site Uni Watch has made it to the end of its watch

While I don’t know all the reasons behind the decision, beyond what Paul Lukas explained in the farewell post,  I can tell you as a blogger, times have changed.

When I started, people went to websites.  Then behaviors changed and websites had to go to the readers – notably Facebook and Twitter.

Facebook started gating its posts, so that even if you followed Uni Watch or Mets Police or whichever site, Facebook didn’t necessarily show the posts to all that sites followers unless the creators paid.

As Twitter devolved into X, the same thing has happened.  If I do tweet, not everyone sees it.  There was a time, especially 2015, when I could Hold Court on twitter and engage with thousands of fans.  Now, if I post something, it doesn’t get seen by many.   It seems the algorithm would prefer we discuss the events in Washington D.C.

So all of that means less eyeballs.  You post things, “nobody” sees them.

Personally, I chose to free  myself earlier this year from feeling like I HAD to post every day, which is something I had prided myself on for years.   No more filler, I just pop on when I’m in the mood.  I’m also busier than I was ten years ago….and also not trying to kill off 9-5 while chained to a desk.   Running out the 4pm hour when all the work was done was a great time to write.

I got to know Paul a little.  We email a few times a month, usually about the Mets.  Paul invited me to a playoff game in 2015 back when the Wilpons owned things and the Mets would make the World Series and it was a great hang with Mets Fans Who Get It..

Back in the Early Times of Mets Police, I applauded “General Lukas” for his efforts to encourage the Mets to Ditch The Black…….which the Wilpons finally did in 2012 before Mets Owners Steve and Alex Cohen stupidly brought the stupid black back a few years ago.

Uni Watch was GREAT.   Informative, fun, a great resource.  I will miss it.  Even this morning I went to steal some posts (notably about The Wilpon Script and Lady Met)  so that they didn’t get lost, but they seem to be gone already.

FWIW Here’s my poor man’s version of a Wilpons Script post if you’re curious.

And here’s a borrowed image from UW way back when

Anyway, Paul and Phil thanks for the public support, the inbound links, the heads-ups on the sides, and a fun night at Citi Field in 2015.

You guys are always welcome to do a guest post here should Steve and Alex Cohen do something stupid (or great?) with the uniforms.

Great job.   If only you had been able to cover a Mets Championship.

 

Looks like the gang is getting together to celebrate Steve Cohen’s Five Years Of Failure.

At least there is one winner in the crowd, Terry Collins, the only living person to hold both a division title and an NL Pennant, will be there.   Also looks like Jesse Orosco from the 1993 Brewers is coming, as well as Brett Baty.

There’s like info here and stuff, not that the QBC guys thought to send me cut and paste copy.

Howdy – been super busy, so I asked MetsPoliceBot to knock this out in something approximating my style.

 

John Turturro is making a documentary about Joe Torre.

Obviously this is going to focus on his time as the Mets manager from 1977-1981 when he went 286-420 and finished in last place three times.

I’m kidding. It’s not going to be about that.

The doc is from Motto Pictures, MLB Studios and some other companies and it’s going to be about his time managing the Yankees to four World Series titles and six appearances. Because of course it is.

Torre was a Brooklyn kid. One of us! And what did he do? He became a Yankees legend. He managed them for 12 years, made the playoffs EVERY SINGLE YEAR, won four championships. Meanwhile during that same period the Mets were doing…Mets things.

Turturro says Torre had “quiet strength” and showed “compassion” and “defied convention.” That’s nice. The Mets had Bobby Valentine getting ejected and coming back in a fake mustache.

The documentary will have “extensive archival footage from MLB’s library” which I’m sure will include approximately zero minutes from his Mets tenure. Can’t imagine why.

Torre’s quote is interesting – he was a “nervous Brooklyn kid who had low self-esteem” who went on this amazing journey. Yeah, the journey included managing the Mets to 99 losses in back-to-back seasons before getting fired. Then he went to the Yankees and won everything. Funny how that works.

The movie will show his “journey from Brooklyn upbringing to becoming one of baseball’s great players and respected leaders.” I’m sure they’ll spend a lot of time on those magical years at Shea Stadium.

It’s unclear if the documentary will reveal who cap-blocked the Mets from wearing first responder caps alll those years. My sources tell me it rhymes with Toe Jorre.

I mean good for Torre. He had a Hall of Fame career. But did the Brooklyn kid documentary have to be about the YANKEES years? Can’t we have anything?

Anyway, I’m sure it’ll be great and Yankees fans will love it while wearing their 27 championships t-shirts.

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

The door FLIES open — Kramer bursts in, electric with excitement.

KRAMER (bursting in, breathless):   Did you see Ohtani last night?! Three home runs! The Dodgers are going to the World Series on a rocket ship!

Steve, sitting on the couch, stiffens.

ELAINE:  Wasn’t that the guy you tried to sign?

STEVE (tight grin): Yes.

ELAINE: So why didn’t you get him?

STEVE (slow burn): He… didn’t… call.

ELAINE: He didn’t call?

STEVE: That’s right. Uncle Steve doesn’t call players. Players call Uncle Steve.

JERRY:   Oh yeah. Players are lining up to wear black jerseys and get booed by 12,000 damp people on a Tuesday.  Pete Alonso didn’t even wait for his cleats to dry — he opted out while he was still in the on-deck circle!

ELAINE: So what’s the plan this offseason?

STEVE (proud): Value. Strategy. Depth. Smart moves. No more insane superstar contracts.

KRAMER:  Like the Soto one?

STEVE:  He had a great year!

ELAINE:  Can’t miss the Wild Card without him.

JERRY: Ah, the “Bargain Bin Revolution.” Nothing scares the league like three-year deals for middle relievers named Donny.

ELAINE: Are you gonna write handwritten letters to bullpen guys again?

STEVE: This is a new culture.

ELAINE  Does the new culture include… calling people who can pitch?

STEVE:  If Ohtani wanted to be here, he would have called!

JERRY: I don’t think Juan Soto wants to be here, but you called him.

ELAINE: Yeah — and offered him a ton of money.

KRAMER:  That usually works.

ELAINE:  Wasn’t there some pitcher you were gonna get?  Japanese guy.

KRAMER:  Yamamoto.  He’s in the World Series too.

JERRY: So why don’t you just… call the free agents?

STEVE: I don’t call the free agents. I have people for that.

ELAINE: Oh, who? David? (bursts out laughing)

JERRY:  Yeah, I can see that call — “Hi, it’s David! Would you like to come play in Queens? We have value now!”

ELAINE: “And pizzazz! Don’t forget the pizzazz!”

STEVE: (trying to hold his ground)  It’s a system. There are protocols.

JERRY:  Oh, you’ve got protocols. They’ve got a guy who throws shutouts and hits home runs.

INT. CITI FIELD – PRESS ROOM – DAY

 

A glossy banner reads: “NEW YORK METS OFFSEASON: SMART. SAVVY. VALUE.”

Steve stands at a podium. Beside him are DAVID (GM, clutching binders) and LAUREN (Head of Communications, glowing with confidence). A few new players, including a confused DOUG, sit behind them in oversized jerseys.

STEVE:  Ladies and gentlemen, today marks the beginning of a bold new era. The New York Mets are embracing… value.

(Muted, skeptical murmurs among reporters.)

STEVE:  I’ll let our GM, David, explain our key acquisitions.

DAVID (stepping up):  Thank you, Steve. This offseason, we focused on hidden gems — pitchers with upside. We proudly introduce:

— Trevor Miller

— Brett “Moose” Chilvers

— And Doug Sorrento.

REPORTER 1:  I’m sorry… who?

DAVID:  Miller has elite horizontal movement   Chilvers has exit velocity and Doug—

(glances back at Doug)

—is very strong.

STEVE:  Value!

LAUREN (beaming, stepping forward):  And it’s not just about players — it’s about identity. You’re going to see a new Mets. A bold Mets. An MTV-era Mets!

(finger guns)

Pizzazz in Queens!

REPORTER 2:  Is that the official slogan?

LAUREN:  It’s retro! It’s vibrant! It’s like when MTV mattered!

REPORTER 3: MTV hasn’t mattered since 1987.

JERRY:  (Mutters to Elaine) Neither have the Mets.

LAUREN:  Exactly. Nostalgia!

REPORTER 4:  Did you pursue any actual stars?

STEVE: We made calls.  Well, David did.  I don’t call stars, they call me.

DAVID (muttering):  One call. Voicemail.

REPORTER 4: Was that to Detroit to try to get Skull?

Steve freezes.

LAUREN:  Next question!

REPORTER 5:  What about Pete Alonso?

STEVE:  Pete opted out… aggressively. And we respect that.

REPORTER 5: Will you try to re-sign him?

STEVE:  Not unless he calls.

REPORTER 5: What do you mean, not unless he calls?  Can’t you call him?

STEVE:  Uncle Steve doesn’t call free agents, free agents call Uncle Steve.  If the free agents want to be here, they’ll call me.

BACK OF PRESS ROOM – JERRY, ELAINE & KRAMER WATCHING

JERRY:  They’re banking the future on a guy named Doug.

ELAINE:  He just asked where the dugout was. He thought it was catering.

KRAMER: I don’t know — Doug’s got moxie.

FRONT OF ROOM 

STEVE:  So remember… this year, it’s not just baseball. It’s culture. (grandly)  Believe. In. Value.

LAUREN: And pizzazz!

(Confused applause. A reporter whispers “We’re doomed.” Doug drops a pretzel.)