The Mets Police

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – MORNING

Jerry is on the couch sipping coffee, calm, relaxed. It’s clearly a beautiful day outside. Steve bursts in, energized, wearing Mets gear.

STEVE:  Opening Day, Jerry! Opening Day!

JERRY: Yeah.

STEVE: Yeah?! That’s it?! It’s Opening Day! The air! The energy! The optimism!

JERRY: I’m not going.

Steve freezes.

STEVE: What do you mean….. you’re not going?

JERRY:  I’m not going.

STEVE: It’s gonna be beautiful out! Sixty-five degrees! Sunshine!

JERRY: Yeah, that’s the problem. Too nice.  You go to a baseball game, you lose the whole day.

STEVE: Lose the whole day?!

JERRY: You gotta get there early, you sit in traffic, you pay—what is it now—fifty bucks to park?

STEVE: It’s not fifty.

JERRY: Forty-five?

STEVE: …Fifty.

JERRY: Fifty dollars to store your car so I can watch your team lose slowly over three hours?

STEVE: It’s the experience!

JERRY: I can experience losing right here on my couch. And I don’t have to sit next to a guy eating nachos like it’s a construction project.

Kramer slides in, very casual, no Mets gear.

STEVE: Kramer! There he is! You’re going, right?

KRAMER: (shakes head) Nope.

STEVE: Nope?!

KRAMER: You got rid of my favorite player.

STEVE: Who? Alonso?

KRAMER: Brandon Nimmo.

STEVE: Nimmo?!

KRAMER: I loved Nimmo! The smile! The hustle! The running to first base like he just heard free food was being served!

JERRY: That was his whole personality.

STEVE: We’ve got new guys!

KRAMER: I don’t want new guys.

STEVE: These are exciting players!

KRAMER: Are they Nimmo?

STEVE: No, but—

KRAMER: Then I’m not interested.

ELAINE enters,, ready for the day.

ELAINE: What’s going on?

JERRY: Steve’s trying to get people to go to Opening Day.

ELAINE: Oh, I’m not going.

STEVE: You’re not going either?!

ELAINE:  No! How am I gonna get there? Either I pay the congestion fee just to get to the 59th Street Bridge, or I gotta pay, what—thirty bucks in tolls to take the Triboro…

JERRY: Mm-hmm.

ELAINE: …then what, I get there and it’s what—forty to park?

JERRY & STEVE (simultaneously): Fifty.

ELAINE: Fifty?!

STEVE: It’s premium parking.

ELAINE: Premium?! The car just sits there!

KRAMER: Why don’t you just take the bus? It’s free.

ELAINE: Free? What do you mean free?

KRAMER: Mamdani! The buses are free!

JERRY: Kramer… he never actually did that.

KRAMER: He said he was going to!

JERRY: Well… he didn’t.

STEVE: This is unbelievable! Opening Day and nobody wants to go!

JERRY: Steve, people go to Opening Day for hope

ELAINE: You don’t have hope.

KRAMER: You have… transition.

STEVE: We have a new culture! You’ll all regret this.

JERRY: I doubt it.

KRAMER: Bring back Nimmo!

ELAINE: How much are tickets?

STEVE: Ninety-two.

ELAINE: Ninety-two?!  It’s ninety-two to get in, fifty to park, thirty in tolls—
and you’re wondering why I’m not going?!

JERRY: That’s a hundred seventy-two before you even see a pitch.

KRAMER: And not to mention the shortstop hates the fans.

JERRY: Oh don’t get me started on that guy.

Steve storms out as the door slams.

ELAINE: Send pictures of the empty seats!

 

Steve exits. Beat.

JERRY: Sixty-five degrees…

KRAMER: Perfect couch weather.

 

A message from Howie Rose…

A message from @HowieRose: pic.twitter.com/PwC89TDduy

— New York Mets (@Mets) March 19, 2026

Well this is a sad day.  Hopefully Howie’s final broadcast will include the phrase “the New York Mets are the World Champions” – I mean hopefully it’s “Francisco Lindor of the (his new American League team) after Steve DFAs him strikes out and the New York Mets are the World Champions” but I guess the former would be ok.

One thing that caught my ear is “in one capacity or another.”  As the Tale of Howie Rose And The Mets has become lore, what gets left out is that pesky period where the Mets wouldn’t let Howie come on immediately after Mets games because he was too critical of the organization.  We’re not supposed to talk about that because it ruins the nice story, and since I think Howie is the best announcer in baseball, I will choose to play along and not talk about it.

I also feel bad that Howie thinks there will be postseason games.  Will he call it a season on NFL Sunday Sep 20th for the final home game? Or will he wrap with a meaningless road game at Washington on Sep 27th.  Boy, both of those scenarios suck.

Thank you for your service sir, ESPECIALLY “the young Howie Rose” who threw HEAT back on Mets Extra.  I really miss that.

Someone who must be “happy” is Gary Cohen who likely gets to be the Master of Ceremonies heading forward.  If not Gary, I have no idea who you’d even have do that.  It’s not like we’re gonna ask Steve Gelbs to handle Opening Day.

Keith Raad finds himself in a good place.  He could get 40-50 years out of being a Mets broadcaster.  I don’t think anyone is ahead of him on the internal food chain.

Howie started in 1987.  What if there is a CURSE OF HOWIE ROSE and they win it all in 2027????

Look at the nice present the Mets gave me for St. Patrick’s Day.  I agree. TIME TO GO.  People on the Mets should like Mets fans.

I look forward to getting years out of this one.  Well, hopefully only a few days if you do the right thing and get him off the team.  Steve has paid $1,800,000,000 for sillier things so its not like he can’t eat this contract to fix the karma.

Hey everyone, I believe this is a naive mistake, and a common one.

The Mets stopped wearing this particular logo a few years ago and I thought we were done with it.

I am sure if the Mets, MLB, the MLB store and New Era do some basic research they will find themselves horrified to be playing on this side of the street.

 

Please consider withdrawing this cap from sale.  I bellve you meant no harm.  I am here to educate you.   Please reconsider.

The Mets shared part one of their promotional schedule.  Early in the season will be a great time to go see the Mets as Francisco Lindor is out, so he won’t be giving you the thumbs down, and Vulgar Pete is gone, so you can feel assured Citi Field is family friendly again!

We begin with Opening Day – you can get in for just $127!  I used to go to Opening Day every year until 2016 when the Mets decided they would jack the prices and have New Friends rather than us loyalists.  Now I don’t go. And Opening Day isn’t sold out (!) so I hope that plan worked out for you guys.

Saturday March 28th brings a 1986 Replica Ring.  You know what would be nice? A 2026 Actual World Series Ring.

On Sunday…well…what are we even doing

 

After that, some bobbleheads.  I never understood the appeal, I find them to be clutter.

 

And then it’s the “Retro” T-Shirt designed by someone who clearly wasn’t around in 1986.  Maybe the retro means 2006, but this isn’t how shirts looked in 1986.

More to come as I have time…