The Mets Police

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

[Steve bursts in, visibly excited]

Steve: (bursting in) Jerry! Jerry! You’ll never believe this – Juan Soto is following the Mets on Instagram!

Jerry: (deadpan) And this means…?

Steve: It’s a sign, Jerry! He’s coming to the Mets!

[Elaine takes out her phone, starts scrolling]

Elaine: Oh, interesting. He’s also following the Yankees.

Steve: (deflating slightly) Well, that doesn’t mean…

Elaine: And the New York Botanical Gardens.  I’m going to follow him.

Jerry: (smirking) Clearly he’s a big fan of horticulture.

Elaine: Ooh, he just followed me back.  And he follows the Avengers too!

[Kramer bursts through the door wearing a t-shirt with Soto’s face poorly photoshopped onto a stick figure]

Kramer: You’ll never believe it! I just started my new business – “Premature Celebration Shirts”!

Jerry: Your what?

Kramer: I make t-shirts celebrating sports moves before they happen! I’ve already got 5,000 “Soto’s a Met” shirts printed up!

Steve: (horrified) Kramer, you can’t do that! That’s trademark infringement!

Kramer: (animated) No no no, Jerry, you don’t understand. I changed just enough details to make it legal. See? (points to shirt) That’s not Soto’s actual face –  And I spelled it “Juan S0T0 with zeros instead of ohs.

Jerry: (examining shirt) Is that… is his body just a stick figure with baseball bats for arms?

Kramer: That’s the beauty of it, Jerry! When players don’t sign, I can just change the name and resell them! I’ve got a warehouse full of “Carlos Correa’s a Met” shirts that I’m turning into “Carlos Korea’s Asian Fusion Restaurant” shirts!

[Newman bursts in]

Newman: Kramer! We’ve got a problem! The “Judge to the Mets” shirts from last year got mixed up with the “Ohtani to the Mets” shirts, and now we’ve got boxes of shirts that say “Aaron Ohtani is Judge-ing the Mets”!

Steve: (putting his head in his hands) This is terrible.

Kramer: (excited) No no, it’s brilliant! We’re cornering the market on disappointed fans! Next week we’re releasing our “Pete Alonso Extension” line!

Steve: (perking up) Wait, what about Pete?

Jerry: (to Elaine) Here we go again…

INT. CITI FIELD – DAYChad: Mr. Steve! Great news! Our social media engagement is up 500% since Soto followed us!

Steve: (triumphantly) See? What did I tell you?

Chad: Yeah, I already tweeted “Welcome to New York, Juan! #LGM” with some fire emojis!

Steve: (horrified) You did WHAT?

[Steve’s phone starts ringing – it’s MLB officials]

Steve: (panicking) No, no,  Chad, delete it! DELETE IT!

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – THAT EVENING

[Jerry, Kramer, and Steve are watching ESPN]

Sportscaster: “In a bizarre turn of events, the New York Mets are claiming their social media account was hacked after welcoming Juan Soto to New York…”

Steve: (moaning) This is a disaster.

Kramer: (checking his phone) Oh look, Soto just unfollowed the Mets.

Jerry: But hey, at least he still follows the Avengers.

Steve: (sulking) I hate social media.

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

[Steve bursts in, looking excited]

Steve: (triumphantly) Great news! Just had an amazing meeting with Soto. He’s gonna be a Met!

Jerry: (skeptical) Really? Then why is he meeting with the Phillies right now?

Steve: (defensive) Jerry, Jerry, Jerry… you gotta understand how these things work. Agents have to do their due diligence.

Jerry: Like when you didn’t even call Ohtani’s guy last year?

Steve: (getting agitated) Ohtani didn’t want to play in New York, OK? He made that very clear!

Jerry: But Soto does. Just not for the Yankees?

Steve: (defensive) That’s different!

Jerry: (sarcastically) Oh right, because he’d rather play for the team whose identity is the Grimace instead of the team he just took to the World Series.

[Kramer bursts through the door]

Kramer:  What are you guys talking about?

Jerry: Oh, Steve here thinks Soto is signing with the Mets.

Kramer: (excited) Why wouldn’t he?  The Mets have signed lots of great free agents over the years… You got Jason Bay, Bobby Bonilla, George Foster,, Mo Vaughn….

Steve: (interrupting) Kramer, please…

Kramer: (continuing, more animated)  Luis Castillo, Vince Coleman

Steve: (getting more upset) Those were the Wilpons!!!

Jerry: (smirking) Yeah and they didn’t call Ohtani’s agent either.

Kramer: (really getting into it now) Eddie Murray, Kaz Matsui…..

Steve: (covering his ears) ENOUGH! This time it’s different! Soto wants to be here!

Jerry: (deadpan) Sure he does, Steve. Just like Jose Reyes wanted to be here before waiting seven minutes to sign with Miami.

[Steve slumps onto the couch, defeated]

Steve: (muttering) At least we still have the Grimace…

October 1985. Marty McFly has just returned from his first adventure through time, and life is finally feeling normal again. That is, until the familiar roar of the DeLorean engine shakes his suburban street. Out steps Doc Brown, wide-eyed and frantic as ever.

DOC: “Marty! There’s no time to waste! We have to go to the future—2025!”

MARTY: “Whoa, Doc, slow down! The future? Didn’t we just fix everything? What’s the problem now?”

DOC: “The Mets, Marty. The Mets are a disaster!”

MARTY: “The Mets? Doc, you’re kidding. They’re solid!  They’re even more popular than the Yankees!  1985 was a great season—they barely missed the playoffs! And 1986? I’ve got a real good feeling about next year. These new owners, the Wilpons—they seem like they’ve got their act together  They really fixed up Shea, added Diamondvision. and they’ve rebuilt the farm system, not to mention bringing in big time superstars like Gary Carter!”

DOC: “Marty, you don’t understand. The Wilpons may seem fine now, but trust me—they’re going to steer the Mets into an iceberg of incompetence that lasts for decades. Bad trades, bad contracts, bizarre management decisions—it’s an unrelenting carnival of misery.”

MARTY: “Okay, Doc, but how bad can it be? You’re talking about a team that just won 98 games this season!”

DOC: “Oh, it gets worse. Much worse. By the early 2000s, they’re the laughingstock of the league. And then—when all hope seems lost—a billionaire  buys the team in 2020!”

MARTY: “That’s great! Problem solved, right?”

DOC: “No, Marty! The billionaire talks a big game—says he’s going to spend money on free agents and promises the fans a championship within five years—but by 2025, it’s clear he’s all talk.  He never actually signs any of them!  He’s just using the Mets to open a casino!   Instead of a dynasty, the Mets are stuck in mediocrity! And that’s not even the worst part…”

MARTY: “What’s the worst part?”

DOC: “In 2025, a terrible event occurs that sends the Mets—and their fans—into a spiral of existential despair.”

MARTY: “What happens?”

DOC:  The man has no restraint! By 2025, after failing to sign a man named Ohtani and then a man named Soto, he’s so desperate to save face with fans that he makes a critical mistake—he signs Pete Alonso to a ten-year contract extension!”

MARTY: Who’s Pete Alonso?

DOC: Picture Dave Kingman with better PR.  By 2025, Alonso’s best years are behind him. His production plummets, his strikeout rate soars, and his contract becomes an albatross the likes of which Mets fans haven’t seen since Bobby Bonilla Day!”

MARTY: “Bonilla Day?”

DOC: “You don’t want to know. Trust me.”

MARTY: “Alright, fine. But how are we supposed to stop this rich guy from signing Alonso? We can’t just walk into his office and say, ‘Hey, don’t do that!’

DOC: “Ah, but that’s where the genius of the plan comes in! We don’t stop him directly. We go to the source—his chief analytics officer, This kid is a numbers wizard. If we can convince him to project Alonso’s long-term decline more aggressively, he’ll persuade the billionaire to walk away from the deal!”

MARTY: “So, the future of the Mets depends on an analytics nerd?”

DOC: “Precisely, Marty!  That and the Grimace.

MARTY:  The Grimace?  Like, from McDonald’s?

DOC:  I told you the future for Mets fans is terrible Marty.  We need to stop the Alonso signing from happening, and ensure the stats nerd has the data to kill the deal before it’s too late!”

MARTY: “Alright, Doc, I’m in. But one question—what happens if we fail?”

DOC:  “If we fail, Marty, the Mets will be stuck paying $30 million a year for a first baseman who can’t hit .220. The fans revolt. Mr. Met grows a beard. Citi Field becomes a ghost town. It’s a disaster! The fans are already desperate Marty!  They think winning the third wild card was a successful season!

MARTY:  What’s a wild card?

With the flux capacitor charged, Marty and Doc jump into the DeLorean, set a course for 2025, and speed off into the future. Their mission: save the Mets from themselves, one overhyped contract at a time.

The Mets understand the value of a good park!  Imagine if someone suggested giving away Juniper Valley Park to a billionaire to open a casino.  The thought of that is insane isn’t it?  Why would someone give a park to a billionaire to open a casino.  A park should be a park, and my friends the Mets understand that!

AMAZIN’ METS FOUNDATION, NYC PARKS, AND LANDTEK RENOVATE FIELD #1 AT JUNIPER VALLEY PARK

Amazin’ Mets Foundation contributes over $430,000 to transform the field for the community

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FLUSHING, N.Y., November 7, 2024 – The Amazin’ Mets Foundation contributed over $430,000 to renovate Field #1 at Juniper Valley Park in partnership with the New York City Department of Parks & Recreation. The LandTek Group led the renovations.

The renovations compliment the Amazin’ Mets Foundation’s commitment to supporting youth baseball initiatives, including Sandlot Stars and baseball and softball clinics. The Amazin’ Mets Foundation has supported several neighborhood field renovations, including Flushing Meadows Corona Park Fields #10 and #11.

“The Amazin’ Mets Foundation is committed to expanding access to the sport of baseball. This is about more than updating infrastructure – it’s about supporting our neighbors and creating opportunities to play and grow,” said Alex Cohen, President of the Amazin’ Mets Foundation. “We are proud to sponsor the renovation of Field #1 at Juniper Valley Park.”

Led by The LandTek Group, construction was completed in October 2024. Enhancements to Field #1 feature installation of a new irrigation and drainage system, a full infield renovation, and the addition of new fencing and concrete work.

“These refurbished baseball and softball fields at Flushing Meadows Corona Park and Juniper Valley Park provide the perfect place for our young Queens athletes to pitch, slide, bat, and root each other on while playing the sport they love,” said NYC Parks Commissioner Sue Donoghue. “Thank you to the Amazin’ Mets Foundation for funding these projects, and providing updated space where ballplayers can build community, practice teamwork, and build character through competition and fun on the field of play.”

Since its inception in 2021, the Amazin’ Mets Foundation has funded over $13 million in grants to over 180 organizations in the community, including the communities surrounding affiliate teams. To read more about the Amazin’ Mets Foundation, its programs, and upcoming events, and to learn about ways to give back, visit AmazinMetsFoundation.org.

Last night’s time of game: 3:42.

I don’t know when the game ended, I can estimate 11:47pm EDT because I was long gone.

I’m one of the casuals.  A lapsed baseball fan who started watching MLB on September 30th this year (and I plan to skip the first 6 months next year because the current playoff format is absurd.)

Last night I gave the game “one more inning” at 5-0 because the Dodgers have some actual star players that are fun to watch, and I was rewarded with a fun inning.

Then I did some mental math.  Once again, it was the 6th inning and 10pm.  Like I did the night before, I decided I didn’t want to chase the game until midnight so I turned it off.  The game is still too slowly paced to sit there for two more hours playing on my phone waiting for something to happen,

Sometime around 4am I woke up and checked my phone, saw the score, and went back to bed.  That’s my engagement with the sport these days.

This was baseball’s big chance.  The TV numbers were up from the downs and they will have a nice story to tell, but what happens when the World Series ISN’T Yankees Dodgers.

I don’t think baseball has learned a thing.   The biggest moments happen too late.  The games are 4 hours long.

They will tell a story about how great a season this was, and sure it was less horrible than recent seasons, but I am not sure Baseball Is Back, I think a sexy match-up just hid the problems,.