Mets Police guide to Citi Field for Yankees fans

Hello Mr. Yankee Fan,

You will be a guest in Citi Field this weekend, so let me welcome you to the home of my favorite team.

Here are some tips so that you can maximize your enjoyment.

Where to meet: Look for a big red Apple.   Apple is Flushingese for “the bat.”  Tell your “boys” to meet you at the Apple.

What to wear: I understand that you want to wear your Yankees gear, and you should.  Be proud of your team,  However, if you wear a Jeter 2 shirt you had better be a hot chick.  If you wear a Chamberlain 62 jersey with a name on the back we will all know you’re a fraud.  No names on the back, of course.

Where to go first: as soon as you enter the Jackie Robinson Rotunda (um, it’s a little hard to explain why that’s there) head to your right and visit the Mets Hall of Fame and Museum.   There you can find memorabilia from Casey Stengel, Lee Mazzilli and other Yankee heroes….maybe even Yogi, I can’t remember.

Then what? Take the escalator up to what you would call “the main” level.  Head left and make your way to the fun centerfield area.   Take in the views and be impressed that the Mets didn’t stick a big restaurant in center field.  You can actually see the left fielder and the right fielder.  In Flushing, we save our obstructed views for the “upper deck.”

In center field you will fins a dunk tank.   Mets fans will be lined up to dunk a cute girl in a Yankee jersey.   It’s fun.  Try it.

What to eat ?  You may have heard of the Shake Shack.  It’s quite good but the line is longer than long.  Take my advice and enjoy the taqueria.  Short line, decent bang for your buck.

Have one beer. Hit Big Apple Brews and enjoy one beer.  One beer is nice at a game.  Beyond that you run the risk of increased hooliganism.  Since I always encourage folks to support the Mets financially please be sure to spend the rest of your beer money on other items.

How are your seats? If you’re in the “main” level as you call it you’ll be fine.  If you head to “the uppers” and your seat is in one of the first three rows….I wish you well.

Bring a radio and listen to WFAN. Treat yourself to hearing a Yankee game be actually described on a radio.   Our main guy Howie Rose will tell you what is happening in the game.  When a fly ball approaches the fence he will provide a detailed account of the play.   Howie is wonderful.   He is joined by a nice man named Wayne.  It may disturb you to learn that Howie actually acknowledges Wayne’s presence and will even respond to what Wayne says.

How to cheer. Like I said, be proud of your team.  If something happens that pleases you, stand-up, yell “hooray”, high-five your “boys” and sit down.

We know the Mets suck. Believe me we know.  We understand that the Mets won’t pass the Yankees in championships until 2037.  There’s no need to remind us.

We are honoring the 2000 Mets. Yep, I know Jeter will be there with his 2000 ring.   Mets fans will be cheering for Mike Piazza.  You may remember Mike, one of your true Yankees tried to attack him with a bat,  Said true Yankee was 192-111 with Boston in the course of 13 seasons, but I don’t want to bring that up and upset the girl who does your radiocast, she could start crying.

Your pitcher will have to bat. The Mets play something called baseball, a game in which 9 players bat and field.  You probably have some dude who isn’t good at that second thing.  He gets to watch this weekend.  However, this will provide you with a convenient excuse on Monday, so embrace it.