INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY
Steve is minding his own business in Jerry’s aparetment. The door swings open. Jerry and Elaine enter, Elaine is practically glowing.
ELAINE: Ohhh Steve… you sitting down?
STEVE: (suspicious)Why? What did you do now?
ELAINE: I didn’t do anything.
JERRY: And neither did you apparently
ELAINE: Pete did something.
Steve freezes.
STEVE: What do you mean, “Pete did something”?
ELAINE (smiling wide) Pete. Did. Something.
(she shoves Steve)
Pete Alonso. Five years. Baltimore Orioles.
STEVE: No.
ELAINE: Yes.
STEVE: No.
ELAINE: Very yes. Signed, sealed, crab-caked.
STEVE: Five years?!
ELAINE: Five. Years.
STEVE: (stammering) But— but— we were still talking!
JERRY: You know, that’s impressive. The Mets didn’t even get to the “awkward silence” phase.
STEVE: I don’t understand this. Pete’s a Met!
ELAINE: Was a Met, Now he’s an Oriole. Which — as an Orioles fan — I just want to say…Perfect.
STEVE:You’re enjoying this.
ELAINE: Oh, immensely. Especially after all that “face of the franchise” stuff.
STEVE: He didn’t even call.
JERRY: You didn’t think he was Japanese, did you? You’re supposed to call THEM.
STEVE: That was ONE TIME!
ELAINE: Oh, and guess what? No opt-outs.
STEVE: No opt-outs?
ELAINE: He’s locked in. Like a submarine hatch.
JERRY: Well, look at the bright side, Steve.
STEVE: There is no bright side.
JERRY: Sure there is.At least now we can officially retire “LFGM.”
STEVE:What’s wrong with LFGM?
JERRY:I always found it a little vulgar. Like something you yell when you stub your toe.
ELAINE: Yeah, it had a very “bathroom stall poetry” vibe.
STEVE: It was passion!
JERRY: It was profanity.
STEVE: I gave him everything.
ELAINE: Except wins.
JERRY: And optimism.
ELAINE: And a ring.
JERRY: And starting pitching.
ELAINE: Or a closer.
JERRY: So let me get this straight.
You lose Nimmo.
You lose Alonso.
You lose Diaz.
And you sign… nobody.
What are you, the Wilpons?
STEVE: The Wilpons would never have gotten the casino deal done.
JERRY: Right, right. You sacrificed the roster for craps.
ELAINE: Craps is right.
STEVE: This is bigger than baseball, Jerry.
JERRY: That’s usually what people say when the baseball is terrible.
ELAINE: So the plan wasn’t “win now.”
STEVE: No.
ELAINE: It wasn’t “win later.”
STEVE: No.
ELAINE: Was it… “win adjacent”?
STEVE: We’re building an ecosystem.
JERRY: An ecosystem?
STEVE: Yes. Baseball. Entertainment. Hospitality.
JERRY: Ah yes, the three pillars of losing seasons.
ELAINE: So the Mets are more of a destination now?
STEVE: Exactly!
JERRY: Well, except for free agents of course.
ELAINE: Of course.
JERRY: Nothing says “come watch baseball” like a team that doesn’t resemble one.
STEVE: You’re all missing the point. The Wilpons were afraid to spend. Uncle Steve is not afraid to spend
ELAINE: But you are afraid to call.
STEVE: I don’t call players.
JERRY: You don’t call players, you don’t sign players…
(beat)
Do you even have any players?
STEVE: The Wilpons never had vision.
JERRY: No, but they had players. David Wright, Jose Reyes, Matt Harvey, deGrom, Thor…
STEVE: We’re in transition.
ELAINE: Transition into what?
JERRY: Like the way fruit decomposes.
STEVE: A new era.
JERRY: You say “new era” the way other people say “rebuilding.”
STEVE: Fine! Call it whatever you want!
JERRY: Okay fine. New topic. Elaine, can you help me work on a routine for my show tonight?
ELAINE: Sure, what ya got?
JERRY: It’s like the old Abbott and Costello bit. Who’s on First?
ELAINE: Who?
JERRY: Nobody. But at least we have a casino.