INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY
Steve is slumped on Jerry’s couch, looking glum. Jerry is trying to cheer him up.
JERRY: (concerned) What’s the matter, Steve?
STEVE: (sighing) Mets fans are furious with me, Jerry. Nothing I do seems to work.
Kramer bursts into the apartment with his usual flair.
KRAMER: (noticing Steve) Hey, what’s with him?
JERRY: (gesturing towards Steve) Oh, he’s still upset about all the free agents signing with the Dodgers.
STEVE: (sighing deeply) It’s like a curse, Jerry. No matter what I do, they just keep going to Los Angeles.
KRAMER: (getting an idea) You know what you need, Steve? A new image! Something that’ll really endear you to the fans.
STEVE: (despondently) What could possibly do that?
KRAMER: (excitedly) You become a department store Santa! It’s perfect!
JERRY: (skeptical) Santa? That’s your big solution?
KRAMER: (enthusiastically) Yes, Jerry! Santa! Everyone loves Santa. It’s a public relations goldmine!
STEVE: (pondering) Santa, huh? Maybe it’s not the worst idea…
JERRY: (dryly) Oh, it’s up there.
STEVE: (considering) Well, I suppose it couldn’t hurt…
INT. DEPARTMENT STORE – DAY
Steve, dressed as Santa, is in the Santa’s grotto. A little girl approaches him.
GIRL: (excitedly) Hi, Santa! Can I get a contract with the Dodgers?
STEVE: (smiling) How about a contract with the Mets from your uncle Steeeeee…Santa Claus?
GIRL: (frowning) The Mets? But they’re losers!
STEVE: (defensively) Hey, the Mets are not losers! How about $300 million to join them?
GIRL: (adamantly) No! I want the Dodgers!
Steve’s patience snaps, and he starts raising his voice at the girl. The mother, alarmed, intervenes.
MOTHER: (alarmed) Santa, stop yelling at my child!
STEVE: (frantically) Wait, wait! I can offer more! How about $800 million? $900 million?
The mother, now horrified, grabs her child and starts backing away.
MOTHER: (shocked) This is outrageous! I’m reporting this!
STEVE: (desperate) A billion! I can do a billion!
INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – LATER
Steve is back, looking even more disheartened.
STEVE: (dejected) And then the mother started screaming at me. It was a disaster.
JERRY: (teasing) Who knew Santa could be so controversial?
KRAMER: (thoughtfully) You know, in some cultures, Santa negotiates toy contracts.
STEVE: (dryly) Great, next year I’ll be negotiating with elves.