Author: Shannon Shark @metspolice

Howdy – been super busy, so I asked MetsPoliceBot to knock this out in something approximating my style.

 

John Turturro is making a documentary about Joe Torre.

Obviously this is going to focus on his time as the Mets manager from 1977-1981 when he went 286-420 and finished in last place three times.

I’m kidding. It’s not going to be about that.

The doc is from Motto Pictures, MLB Studios and some other companies and it’s going to be about his time managing the Yankees to four World Series titles and six appearances. Because of course it is.

Torre was a Brooklyn kid. One of us! And what did he do? He became a Yankees legend. He managed them for 12 years, made the playoffs EVERY SINGLE YEAR, won four championships. Meanwhile during that same period the Mets were doing…Mets things.

Turturro says Torre had “quiet strength” and showed “compassion” and “defied convention.” That’s nice. The Mets had Bobby Valentine getting ejected and coming back in a fake mustache.

The documentary will have “extensive archival footage from MLB’s library” which I’m sure will include approximately zero minutes from his Mets tenure. Can’t imagine why.

Torre’s quote is interesting – he was a “nervous Brooklyn kid who had low self-esteem” who went on this amazing journey. Yeah, the journey included managing the Mets to 99 losses in back-to-back seasons before getting fired. Then he went to the Yankees and won everything. Funny how that works.

The movie will show his “journey from Brooklyn upbringing to becoming one of baseball’s great players and respected leaders.” I’m sure they’ll spend a lot of time on those magical years at Shea Stadium.

It’s unclear if the documentary will reveal who cap-blocked the Mets from wearing first responder caps alll those years. My sources tell me it rhymes with Toe Jorre.

I mean good for Torre. He had a Hall of Fame career. But did the Brooklyn kid documentary have to be about the YANKEES years? Can’t we have anything?

Anyway, I’m sure it’ll be great and Yankees fans will love it while wearing their 27 championships t-shirts.

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

The door FLIES open — Kramer bursts in, electric with excitement.

KRAMER (bursting in, breathless):   Did you see Ohtani last night?! Three home runs! The Dodgers are going to the World Series on a rocket ship!

Steve, sitting on the couch, stiffens.

ELAINE:  Wasn’t that the guy you tried to sign?

STEVE (tight grin): Yes.

ELAINE: So why didn’t you get him?

STEVE (slow burn): He… didn’t… call.

ELAINE: He didn’t call?

STEVE: That’s right. Uncle Steve doesn’t call players. Players call Uncle Steve.

JERRY:   Oh yeah. Players are lining up to wear black jerseys and get booed by 12,000 damp people on a Tuesday.  Pete Alonso didn’t even wait for his cleats to dry — he opted out while he was still in the on-deck circle!

ELAINE: So what’s the plan this offseason?

STEVE (proud): Value. Strategy. Depth. Smart moves. No more insane superstar contracts.

KRAMER:  Like the Soto one?

STEVE:  He had a great year!

ELAINE:  Can’t miss the Wild Card without him.

JERRY: Ah, the “Bargain Bin Revolution.” Nothing scares the league like three-year deals for middle relievers named Donny.

ELAINE: Are you gonna write handwritten letters to bullpen guys again?

STEVE: This is a new culture.

ELAINE  Does the new culture include… calling people who can pitch?

STEVE:  If Ohtani wanted to be here, he would have called!

JERRY: I don’t think Juan Soto wants to be here, but you called him.

ELAINE: Yeah — and offered him a ton of money.

KRAMER:  That usually works.

ELAINE:  Wasn’t there some pitcher you were gonna get?  Japanese guy.

KRAMER:  Yamamoto.  He’s in the World Series too.

JERRY: So why don’t you just… call the free agents?

STEVE: I don’t call the free agents. I have people for that.

ELAINE: Oh, who? David? (bursts out laughing)

JERRY:  Yeah, I can see that call — “Hi, it’s David! Would you like to come play in Queens? We have value now!”

ELAINE: “And pizzazz! Don’t forget the pizzazz!”

STEVE: (trying to hold his ground)  It’s a system. There are protocols.

JERRY:  Oh, you’ve got protocols. They’ve got a guy who throws shutouts and hits home runs.

INT. CITI FIELD – PRESS ROOM – DAY

 

A glossy banner reads: “NEW YORK METS OFFSEASON: SMART. SAVVY. VALUE.”

Steve stands at a podium. Beside him are DAVID (GM, clutching binders) and LAUREN (Head of Communications, glowing with confidence). A few new players, including a confused DOUG, sit behind them in oversized jerseys.

STEVE:  Ladies and gentlemen, today marks the beginning of a bold new era. The New York Mets are embracing… value.

(Muted, skeptical murmurs among reporters.)

STEVE:  I’ll let our GM, David, explain our key acquisitions.

DAVID (stepping up):  Thank you, Steve. This offseason, we focused on hidden gems — pitchers with upside. We proudly introduce:

— Trevor Miller

— Brett “Moose” Chilvers

— And Doug Sorrento.

REPORTER 1:  I’m sorry… who?

DAVID:  Miller has elite horizontal movement   Chilvers has exit velocity and Doug—

(glances back at Doug)

—is very strong.

STEVE:  Value!

LAUREN (beaming, stepping forward):  And it’s not just about players — it’s about identity. You’re going to see a new Mets. A bold Mets. An MTV-era Mets!

(finger guns)

Pizzazz in Queens!

REPORTER 2:  Is that the official slogan?

LAUREN:  It’s retro! It’s vibrant! It’s like when MTV mattered!

REPORTER 3: MTV hasn’t mattered since 1987.

JERRY:  (Mutters to Elaine) Neither have the Mets.

LAUREN:  Exactly. Nostalgia!

REPORTER 4:  Did you pursue any actual stars?

STEVE: We made calls.  Well, David did.  I don’t call stars, they call me.

DAVID (muttering):  One call. Voicemail.

REPORTER 4: Was that to Detroit to try to get Skull?

Steve freezes.

LAUREN:  Next question!

REPORTER 5:  What about Pete Alonso?

STEVE:  Pete opted out… aggressively. And we respect that.

REPORTER 5: Will you try to re-sign him?

STEVE:  Not unless he calls.

REPORTER 5: What do you mean, not unless he calls?  Can’t you call him?

STEVE:  Uncle Steve doesn’t call free agents, free agents call Uncle Steve.  If the free agents want to be here, they’ll call me.

BACK OF PRESS ROOM – JERRY, ELAINE & KRAMER WATCHING

JERRY:  They’re banking the future on a guy named Doug.

ELAINE:  He just asked where the dugout was. He thought it was catering.

KRAMER: I don’t know — Doug’s got moxie.

FRONT OF ROOM 

STEVE:  So remember… this year, it’s not just baseball. It’s culture. (grandly)  Believe. In. Value.

LAUREN: And pizzazz!

(Confused applause. A reporter whispers “We’re doomed.” Doug drops a pretzel.)

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

Jerry’s reading the sports section at the counter. Elaine’s making coffee. It’s quiet, peaceful — until she speaks.

ELAINE:  I felt bad for that young Red Sox pitcher the other night. He was doing great until that one inning.

JERRY: Yeah, but he hit his career pitch count high. You could see it coming. One more pitch and the arm’s like, “That’s it, I’m on vacation.”  You can’t push these guys past their limits.

(The door bursts open — Steve rushes in, beaming with excitement.)

STEVE:  What are you guys talking about?

JERRY: Nothing you’d care about.  Why are you so happy?

STEVE: Big news, people! The Mets have a new culture!  We’re going to win now AND in the future!

JERRY: Oh boy.

ELAINE: Here we go again.

STEVE: What do you mean “again”?

JERRY: Steve, you change “cultures” more than Newman changes shirts.

ELAINE: You do this every year!

JERRY: Remember when you brought in David as GM?  New culture.

ELAINE: Or hired Carlos as manager? New culture.

JERRY: Or the time you hired Buck? New culture.

ELAINE: What about the agent you made the GM?

STEVE: Hey! That wasn’t me!

ELAINE: And Carlos Beltrán — that new culture lasted what, two days?

STEVE (flustered): All right, all right, all right! Enough! This is different! This is about identity.

(Kramer bursts in.)

KRAMER: What’s all the racket?

ELAINE:  Nothing you’d care about.

STEVE: The Mets have a new culture!

KRAMER:  Oh, I love culture! Thick, rich — like Greek yogurt! Good for the digestion!

JERRY: Yeah, until it curdles by midseason.

ELAINE: So what exactly is this new culture, Steve?

STEVE (grandly): Accountability. Energy. Positivity.

JERRY: You sound like a Peloton instructor.

ELAINE: What about winning? Is that part of the culture, or is that still optional?

STEVE:  Yes. The New York Mets are committed to winning now…….and in the future,

ELAINE: I still can’t get over this “new culture.” What happened to the old one?

JERRY:  Oh you mean, LOSING now, and in the future?  That’s still here.

STEVE:  Winning will come because of the culture!

JERRY: You said that last year. And the year before that.

KRAMER (nodding):  You know what you need? A slogan. Something with pizzazz! “Mets Baseball — Believe in Tomorrow!”

JERRY:  Yeah, because today’s a nightmare.

ELAINE: What about “Mets Baseball — We’re Due”?

JERRY: Or “Mets Baseball — Let’s Just Try Not to Embarrass Ourselves This Month.”

KRAMER: You gotta own it, Steve! Get the fans hyped! Throw a party! A parade! A culture launch!

JERRY:  Yeah no way that parade goes sideways,

STEVE:  You’re mocking now, but this time it’s different. We’ve got communication, teamwork, leadership—

 

INT. CITI FIELD – PRESS ROOM – DAY

A banner next to the podium reads: “THE NEW YORK METS – BUILDING A NEW CULTURE.” Steve stands at the podium, grinning with the overeager confidence of a man who thinks PowerPoint slides can win championships. Beside him is LAUREN, his new head of communications — professional, peppy, and new to  baseball.

STEVE: Good afternoon, everyone. We’ve had a challenging season, sure, but today’s about the future — about the new culture of the New York Mets. A culture of accountability, excellence, and teamwork.

LAUREN:  That’s right! A new culture! This isn’t just about baseball. It’s about… energy. Positivity. Collaboration. Passion.  The New York Mets are here to win this year AND in the future.

REPORTER 1:  So… the same culture you announced last year?

STEVE:  (chuckling) No, no, this one’s… newer.

REPORTER 2:  What exactly is “new” about it?

STEVE:  It’s… more focused!  We’re going to win now, and in the future.

REPORTER 3:  Focused on what?

STEVE: Winning!

REPORTER 3:  Didn’t you try winning  before?

(Laughter ripples through the room. Lauren jumps in nervously.)

LAUREN: Let me just say — this is a culture built on innovation. Think of it like… MTV in its prime. It’s got that spark. That vibe. That… pizzazz.  People will be saying “I Want My New York Mets!”

REPORTER 4:  Is “MTV in its prime” really the model for a baseball team?

JERRY (watching from the back, mutters):  Can Kurt Loder pitch?

LAUREN:  The Mets are fresh,  the brand is cool, it’s retro! Back when MTV had identity! Videos!  Energy!  I Want My New York Mets!

REPORTER 1:  You mean the brand is 1985?

JERRY (mutters):  They didn’t make the playoffs that year either.

STEVE: The point is—this organization is about more than baseball. It’s about culture. It’s about connection. It’s about Queens!

REPORTER 2: Is that the same “connection” that led Pete Alonso to opting out before the reporters even asked a second question?

STEVE: You can’t have culture without change!

REPORTER 3: You also can’t have wins without pitchers.

JERRY (to Elaine): Details, details.

(Lauren steps forward, clapping once for attention.)

LAUREN: We’re also rebranding the fan experience. You’ll see new hashtags, new vibes, new energy. The slogan? “Pizzazz in Queens.”

(The reporters collectively groan. Steve smiles proudly.)

REPORTER 4: Pizzazz?

LAUREN: Yes! It’s fun, it’s youthful, it’s… glitter-adjacent!

REPORTER 2: What does “glitter-adjacent” mean?

LAUREN: It means we shine — metaphorically!  Don’t you want your New York Mets?

(Steve wipes his brow, still forcing a grin.)

STEVE: Look, the Mets are more than a team. We’re a movement.

REPORTER 1: A movement toward what?

STEVE: The future!  When we’ll win.  And now.  We’ll win now too.

LAUREN:  Thank you all! And remember — this season, the Mets aren’t just playing baseball… they’re spreading pizzazz!  Now who wants their New York Mets?

(Silence. One reporter coughs. Someone mutters “We’re doomed.”)

JERRY (to Elaine): You know what’s really new about the culture? The part where they think this’ll work.

(Steve forces a smile, the “PIZZAZZ IN QUEENS” banner behind him starting to peel off the wall.)

 

 

**INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY**

*Jerry’s in the kitchen with a bowl of cereal, Elaine’s flipping through a magazine. Steve walks in, puffed up with pride.*

STEVE: (beaming) Big news, gang. The Mets just hired a brand-new head of communications!

JERRY: (smirking) Communications? What are they  going to communicate—that you’ve missed the playoffs *again*?

ELAINE:  (without looking up) Or maybe she just sends out a push notification: “Sorry, Mets lost. Same time next year.”

STEVE: (defensive, holding up his hands) No, no, no! This is a *serious* hire. Professional. Media savvy. Knows how to handle the press.

JERRY: (deadpan) The Mets don’t need communications, you need pitching. How many times do I have to tell you, you don’t have enough pitching?

STEVE:  (proud, leaning in) Well… she worked at MTV.

ELAINE: (mock impressed, sits up) MTV? Oooooh.

JERRY:   MTV hasn’t been good since the ’80s. So I guess that is on brand.

ELAINE: (grinning) What’s next? You gonna hire someone from VH1 to run player development?

JERRY:  Behind The Losing!

ELAINE:  I want my NLCS.

The door SLAMS open, and KRAMER slides in

KRAMER: (excited) I just saw the tweet!  A head of communications? Now that’s smart.

STEVE: (perking up) Finally, someone gets it.

KRAMER: (nodding wildly) Oh yeah. You gotta *reframe the story*! Spin the narrative! When the Mets miss the playoffs, you don’t say “they missed the playoffs.” You say, “they extended fan appreciation month.”

JERRY: (flat) Yeah, because nothing says appreciation like a month with no games/

KRAMER: (animated) And the dance team? You don’t say they were booed. You call it… “interactive feedback.”

STEVE:  (defensive) Look, the point is, we’re communicating. That’s what matters.

ELAINE:  Maybe communicate some contract offers to free agent pitchers.

JERRY:   Wins. Wins are what matter. The only thing fans want communicated is that the Mets finally won something that counts.

ELAINE:  (mock press conference voice) “The Mets finish just shy of October… but boy, did they finish with pizzazz!”

KRAMER: (pointing like he cracked the code) That’s the headline! “Pizzazz in Queens!”

*Steve beams, convinced he’s turned the corner, while Jerry and Elaine exchange a look of disbelief. Kramer keeps gesturing like he’s orchestrating a grand PR campaign.*

JERRY: (sighs) MTV, Kramer… pizzazz… this is the Mets now.

 

INT. CITI FIELD – PRESS ROOM – DAY

A banner behind the podium reads: “NEW YORK METS – A NEW ERA.” Steve  stands at the podium, grinning nervously. Beside him is LAUREN, the new Head of Communications, holding a stack of notecards. Reporters murmur with curiosity.

STEVE: (beaming) Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming. Today, the Mets are proud to unveil our brand-new slogan for the season… Pizzazz in Queens!

The banner is pulled down, revealing giant glittery letters: PIZZAZZ IN QUEENS.

The reporters blink in silence. Steve gestures for Lauren to take over.

LAUREN: (bright, eager) Now, I know what you’re thinking… “pizzazz?” What does that mean? Well, it’s energy, it’s excitement, it’s… flair. It’s cool! You know, like… old-school MTV.

REPORTER 1: (confused) MTV?

LAUREN: (nodding furiously) Yeah!  Neon colors, big hair, loud music, attitude. When you turned it on, you never knew what was coming next. And that’s exactly what the Mets are about!

REPORTER 2: (scribbling) So… unpredictability?

JERRY: (watching from the back with Elaine, mutters) They already had that covered.

ELAINE: (snorts) Yeah, mostly in the ninth inning.

STEVE: (jumping in, overly defensive) It’s not just unpredictability. It’s pizzazz! That extra something. The Mets aren’t just a ballclub. We’re an experience.

LAUREN: (smiling) It’s retro, it’s edgy, it’s… Queens!

Awkward silence. One reporter coughs. Another mutters “Didn’t MTV stop playing music videos in the ‘90s?”

ELAINE:  (whispers)  Didn’t the Mets stop winning in the 90’s?

JERRY: (deadpan, to Elaine) Perfect. Outdated and confusing. That is the Mets brand.

 

See, THIS is what I have been getting at all season. Sure, it’s fun to have “Mets owners Steve and Alex Cohen” in the press releases, but here’s the problem Alex.  That puts you on the clock.

If you’d like to be anonymous, then be anonymous.

You are named checked as the owner, even today.  You’re not the owner’s wife, you’re the owner.  It says so in the press releases.  Your team, that you own, sent me a press release today saying you are one of the owners.

The New York Post reports: Cohen said she will no longer post to her work Instagram account, @tiaalexnymets, and will be deactivating her Mets email account.

Alex the Owner also put out a statement that includes:

Owning this team is not just about baseball; it’s about being part of a community that believes, together, in something bigger than the game itself.

“As we move into the offseason, I’ll be stepping away from this work Instagram to recharge and refocus. I remain committed to the work I do for the fans and look forward to reconnecting again in the spring.

OK, well, you’re the owner.  You just said so.  Thus, fans will let you know how they feel.  Don’t wanna hear from fans, thendon’t be the owner, be the owner’s wife.

Did fans bug Jeff Wilpon’s wife?  Nope.  Mrs. Fred WIlpon?  Nope.  Mrs. Doubleday? Nope.  Mrs M. Donald Grant?  Nope.

But you see, you’re the owner.  Its says so in the press release.

Alex Cohen adds, “I’ll also be deactivating my Tia Alex email. I originally created it to stay connected with you all, but it ended up becoming a platform for the same thing fans were already DMing me about. Please know this decision comes from a place of respect and balance.”

Then again, hiding out on social media seems to be a Cohen trait.  Steve Cohen, one of the owners, will go weeks at time without interacting with fans….then suddenly will show up when the Mets win six in a row.

Not how it works in the Big Apple guys.