The Mets Police

INT. SUBWAY CAR – DAY

[Kramer and Newman are riding the subway, Newman reading about the Soto signing on his phone]

Newman: (excited) Can you believe it? Soto’s actually coming to the Mets!

Kramer: Yeah, but even Steve doesn’t have that kind of cash lying around. He’s gonna need to sell some assets.

Newman: (interested) Assets?

Kramer: (animated) The Cyclones, Newman! Minor league baseball – that’s where the real action is!

Newman: (getting excited) Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – LATER

[Kramer and Newman burst in]

Jerry: What are you two hopped up about?

Kramer: Jerry, we’re gonna be baseball owners!

Jerry: (skeptical) Baseball owners?

Newman: We’re buying the Cyclones!

Jerry: The Cyclones?

Kramer: It’s the future of baseball, Jerry! We’ll have theme nights, promotional giveaways…

Jerry: And how exactly are you planning to pay for this?

Newman: I’ve got my postal pension!

Kramer: And I’ve got all those “Almost A Met” t-shirts we can sell as collector’s items!

[Jerry stares at them in disbelief as they rush out]

[Downstairs buzzer rings]

Jerry: Come up!

[Steve enters, looking unusually calm]

Jerry: I heard you sold the Cyclones.

Steve: (nonchalant) Yeah, baseball’s for losers anyway. There’s no money in it.

Jerry: No money in it?  Then why do you own a baseball team?

Steve: (leaning in) The casino, Jerry. The casino.

Jerry: The casino?

Steve: (excited) Yes! Everyone’s focused on Soto, but the real money’s in the casino.

Jerry: So you’re telling me you signed Soto to distract everyone from your casino plans?

Steve: (proudly) Jerry, nobody cares about a casino when you’ve got a 15-year, multi-million dollar signing to talk about!

Jerry: (realizing) So that’s why you sold the Cyclones to Kramer and Newman…

Steve: (laughing) Kramer and Newman? No, no, Jerry. They just think they’re buying the Cyclones.

Jerry: (confused) What do you mean?

Steve: (sitting down, smug) See, while everyone’s focused on Soto and these two idiots running around thinking they’re buying a minor league team, I’m orchestrating the biggest deal in New York history.

Jerry: (intrigued) Go on…

Steve: (leaning in) First, you get Soto. Big splash, everyone’s excited. Then, you let it leak that you’re selling the Cyclones – creates uncertainty, people start wondering if you’re in financial trouble.

Jerry: And then?

Steve: While everyone’s distracted by that, you quietly acquire the land.  Before anyone realizes what’s happening….casino, hotels, restaurants…

Jerry: (impressed) So Soto is just…

Steve: A very expensive distraction. And a pretty good baseball player.

[Kramer bursts in]

Kramer: Steve! I’ve got the check for the Cyclones right here!

Steve: (winking at Jerry) Oh, about that Kramer… we might need to restructure the deal. Maybe add some… additional parties.  Why don’t you go get Newman and we’ll discuss the details?

[Kramer runs out excited]

Jerry: (to Steve) You’re really not selling them the Cyclones, are you? 

Steve: Remember Jerry, while everyone else is playing checkers…

Jerry: You’re building a casino.

Steve: (smiling) Exactly.

[Steve exits as Jerry sits there, finally realizing that Steve might be smarter than they all thought]

Are the Cohens broke?  Will the Syracuse change their name?  If the Wilpons did this you guys would be out of your minds right now!

If I had known he was selling the Cyclones I would have bought them and moved them to Los Angeles, which is my lifelong dream,

Syracuse Mets and Brooklyn Cyclones Enter Next Chapter Under New Ownership, Diamond Baseball Holdings

New York Mets’ Triple-A and High-A Affiliates Join Double-A Binghamton on DBH Roster

Both Clubs will Continue Under Existing Local Leadership of Front Office Staff

NEW YORK, NY (December 10, 2024) – Diamond Baseball Holdings (DBH), an organization that owns and operates select minor league clubs affiliated with Major League Baseball (MLB), today announced it has entered into an agreement with affiliates of Cohen Private Ventures to purchase the Syracuse Mets and Brooklyn Cyclones. The teams will remain the Triple-A and High-A affiliates of the New York Mets, respectively, and join the franchise’s Double-A affiliate, the Binghamton Rumble Ponies, on the DBH roster. Both clubs will retain their front office staff and continue to be guided by their current leadership.

“The New York Mets are deeply grateful to the staff and players of the Syracuse Mets and Brooklyn Cyclones. These franchises have created two of the best fan-bases in Minor League Baseball and we are excited to continue our affiliation with these cities,” said M. Scott Havens, President of Business Operations, New York Mets. “With their acquisition by DBH, both clubs will have greater dedicated resources and player development tools to set them up for successful seasons for years to come.”

After the acquisition closes, fans in both communities will continue cheering for their teams at the esteemed ballparks they know and love, with the Cyclones playing at Maimonides Park along the Coney Island boardwalk and the Syracuse Mets at NBT Bank Stadium.

The Syracuse Mets have one of the most storied histories in all of Minor League Baseball (MiLB). The franchise has played in the International League in all but five years since its inaugural season in 1934 and became an affiliate of the big-league Mets in 2019. The Cyclones, meanwhile, have been affiliated with the New York Mets since they debuted in 2001. The club plays in front of one of the most unique backdrops in MiLB: the world-famous Coney Island Beach & Boardwalk and The Cyclone, a wooden rollercoaster that is the inspiration for the club’s name.

“We are excited to grow our relationship with DBH as they work to finalize this sale,” said Andy Green, Mets Senior Vice President, Player Development. “Our affiliates provide valuable steppingstones for our players in these communities, but also family-friendly experiences for our fans in those cities. As we’ve seen in Binghamton, DBH will strengthen our affiliates from a baseball and fan perspective.”

Through its roster of affiliated clubs across the country, DBH works to support local passions and priorities with national reach and scale, integrating cutting-edge digital technologies into club operations as well as providing new value-generating opportunities in partnership with MiLB.

“These two franchises each uniquely embody what MiLB is all about,” said Pat Battle and Peter Freund, Executive Chairman and CEO of DBH, respectively. “The Cyclones carry on the rich legacy of professional baseball in Brooklyn, where their connection to the community keeps the game’s vibrant tradition thriving in New York City’s most populous borough. The Syracuse Mets are a cornerstone of Central New York, where the franchise has deeply connected with the community while drawing fans from across the region for generations. We’re thrilled to add both to our roster and continue growing our relationship with the Mets. We look forward to enhancing the distinct fan experience at Maimonides Park and NBT Bank Stadium while ensuring both ballparks remain year-round destinations for affordable, family-friendly entertainment for years to come.”

Subject to obtaining the consent of the league and satisfying other standard closing conditions, the transaction is expected to be completed promptly.

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

[Jerry and Elaine are sitting on his couch when Steve bursts in, looking more triumphant than we’ve ever seen him]

Steve: (beaming) WE GOT HIM! WE ACTUALLY GOT HIM!

Jerry: (skeptical) Got who? Another player that’s “in discussions”?

Steve: No, Jerry! We signed Juan Soto! Fifteen years!

Elaine: (shocked) Wait, you actually signed someone? Like, for real? Not just “in” on them?

Steve: (dancing) Yes! No more “almost signed”! No more “we were in on him”! We got him!

[Kramer bursts in]

Kramer: (panicked) Jerry! We’ve got a crisis! All my “Almost A Met” shirts are worthless now! What am I supposed to do with 10,000 “Soto: The One That Got Away” shirts?  My T-Shirt business is ruined, Jerry!  Ruined!

Jerry: Just save them for the next free agent.

Steve: (still gloating) Not anymore! We’re a destination now! Players actually want to come here!

[Chad the social media intern, the one who tweeted on Sunday that everything at the Mets store was 20% off but that exclusions apply, walks in.)

Chad: Mr. Steve! I just tweeted “We Actually Signed Someone!” with fifteen fire emojis!

Jerry: Chad, maybe tone it down a little…

Steve: (interrupting) No, no! Let him go wild! We deserve this!

[Newman enters wearing one of Kramer’s old “Almost A Met” shirts]

Newman: Hey, can I get a refund on this shirt? It’s no longer accurate.

Kramer: (brightening) Wait a minute… I’ve got it! We’ll just cross out “Almost” and write “Actually”!

Jerry: You know you still need other players too, right?

Steve: (waving dismissively) Oh, we’re in on everybody now! And this time I mean it!

Elaine: (checking her phone) Twitter’s going crazy. Nobody can believe you actually signed someone.

Steve: (still dancing) Nothing can bring me down! We’re going to win the World Series!

Jerry: You know you still have to actually play the games, right?

[Chad’s phone buzzes]

Chad: Mr. Steve! The Yankees just tweeted congratulations… but they spelled Soto’s name wrong on purpose!

Steve: (outraged) How dare they! Quick, tweet back something clever!

Jerry: Like what? “Thanks, we finally signed someone”?

Elaine: Or “First time for everything”?

Kramer: (excited) I’ve got a new shirt idea: “The Mets: We Actually Did Something”!

Steve: (defensive) You’re all just jealous because we’re going to be unstoppable now!

Jerry: Steve, you still finished third last year.

Steve: (undeterred) That was the old Mets! This is the new Mets!

[Pete Alonso sticks his head in]

Pete: Hey guys, just wanted to say goodbye before I sign with…

Steve: (covering his ears) LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU! WE SIGNED SOTO!

Saw this tweet and haven’t investigated but hmmmm