The Mets Police

INT. CITI FIELD -EVENING

The stadium, once a beacon of human entertainment, now resembles a scene from a dystopian nightmare. Apes swing from the rafters, scamper across the bleachers, and hoot with triumphant glee. Amidst the chaos stands TAYLOR, his expression a mix of disbelief and anger as he takes in the scene before him.

Mets fans, humans,  650 of them, all wearing matching t-shirts, sit together in the outfield

TAYLOR: (voice rising) You people! You call yourselves Mets fans? Cheering for these …these apes?

A group of fans nearby glance at Taylor, then back at the apes, seemingly unfazed by his outburst. One of them, clad in a Mets jersey, shrugs.

METS FAN #1: (nonchalantly) Hey, man, a win’s a win.

METS FAN #2:  And I’d rather have these apes than those damn dirty Wilpons!

Taylor’s eyes narrow as he scans the crowd, searching for any sign of resistance, but finds none. The fans seem content to revel in the spectacle, oblivious to the gravity of their situation.  A vendor is selling dollar bananas

TAYLOR: (exasperated) You’re selling out your own species for a damn discount on fruit? Have you all lost your minds?  You’re slaaaaves.

METS FAN #1:  Dollar banana night. Can’t beat it.

METS FAN #2:  And the apes are building a casino, to improve the nearby area!

METS FAN #1: And a playground!

METS FAN #2: And a tailgating area!

TAYLOR:  But…don’t you see…this is supposed to be a park.  You’re handing a park over to these…these…apes.  To build what….a casino….so they can enslave you further?

The shortstop, an ape with his fur dyed blue, gestures to the fans.

METS FAN #1:  These Apes respect us more than the human Mets ever did.

TAYLOR:  But the team….it’s still in fourth place….you’re not even winning….

Before anyone can respond, a figure emerges from the throng of apes, striding purposefully toward Taylor. It’s CORNELIUS, a distinguished chimpanzee with a keen intelligence in his eyes.

TAYLOR: (guarded) What year is this?

CORNELIUS:  3978

TAYLOR:  3978? That’s almost two thousand yeeeeears.  How many championships have I missed????

METS FAN #1:  Back in ninety-eight…

CORNELIUS:  Silence human!  The Mets have never won in recorded Apes history.

Another ape walks up.  All the apes and humans are reverential to the new figure.  The humans are particularly excited to see this ape.

TAYLOR: (bewildered) You… you’re the one behind all of this?

The billionaire ape, exuding an air of confidence and wealth, regards Taylor with a smug grin.  The humans think this ape is nice, but Taylor sees right through him.

BILLIONAIRE APE: (boastfully) Indeed I am, my dear Taylor.

TAYLOR: (angrily) How could you do this? How could you betray everything the Mets stand for?

Billionaire Ape has a gleam of amusement in his eyes.

BILLIONAIRE APE: (nonchalantly) Oh, come now, Taylor. The Mets were always just another business venture to me. And let’s face it, the humans offer a far more lucrative return on investment than baseball.  Apes would never willingly give their bananas over to a casino.  But humans?  Humans are greedy.  Humans will do anything for just a little bit of hope…..and a bit of a distraction.

The Billionaire Ape gestures to the dance team.

Taylor’s eyes widen in disbelief, his faith in humanity shaken to its core.

TAYLOR: (desperately) But the humans.. they trusted you!

The ape billionaire chuckles, a sound that sends a chill down Taylor’s spine.

BILLIONAIRE APE: (mockingly) Trust? My dear Taylor, in this world, trust is a commodity to be bought and sold. And right now, the apes are offering the best deal in town, and the humans are happy to take it.

The ape billionaire gives Taylor a knowing look, like a dagger.

Taylor’s heart sinks as he realizes the depth of the ape billionaire’s betrayal, the magnitude of human greed.

INT. CITI FIELD – OUTFIELD  

TAYLOR stands at the edge of the outfield, facing a sea of Mets fans who cheer and holler amidst the chaos of the stadium overrun by apes. His voice carries over the crowd as he delivers his impassioned speech.

TAYLOR: (shouting) You finally did it! You sold out to the highest bidder, traded your integrity for a cheap thrill!

The fans turn to look at Taylor, some with curiosity, others with defiance.

TAYLOR: (continuing) You cheer and applaud as this billionaire ape parades around like he’s some kind of king, but you’ve forgotten what it means to be a Mets fan!

A murmur ripples through the crowd, but Taylor presses on, his words cutting through the noise of the stadium.

TAYLOR: (emphatically) We used to be about more than just winning games. We were a community, a family united by our love for this team. But now, look at you. You’ve become nothing more than pawns in some ape’s twisted game of power and greed!  For what….fourth place and some comps at a casino?  Damn you!  Damn you all to hell!!!!!!

FANS: (chanting) Apes! Apes! Apes!

FANS: (chanting) Apes! Apes! Apes!

Taylor can only laugh at the stupidity of the humans who have traded their freedom for casino comps, and don’t even realize they’ve been played.  

FANS: (chanting) Apes! Apes! Apes!

The Athletic wrote a piece about how awesome Pete Alonso is, including a head-scratcher that the Mets consider Pete to be a good hitter.  (WHAT???? Do the Mets not watch the Mets?)

If the Mets actually think Pete is a good hitter then this franchise is doomed into the late 30’s.  They’ll even be done paying Bobby Bonilla by then.

Anyway, the part I liked it is this:

 In the middle of a 1-for-30 slump, he is batting only .205 with eight homers and a .710 OPS.

Everyone knows the millennials stopped doing OPS.  OPS was only a thing when it was used against Daniel Murphy.

LGM Pete.

Drop your browser into “reader” if you need to. Nudge nudge.

From the @mrsmet account

Some on social media are wondering how much extra work can it possibly be for the social media team to let Mrs have her wn account.

Others are calling it sexist.

My prediction is this turns into LOLMets and they undo this decision.

I’m not sure the Mets have gotten anything right this year.