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The Distraction

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

Steve is slumped on Jerry’s counter, looking dejected over the recent backlash regarding the dance team, the museum, and the Mets’ new black uniforms. Elaine and Jerry are trying to offer their support, albeit through their usual comedic lens.

STEVE: (frustrated) It’s like everything I touch turns into a PR nightmare. The dance team is being mocked on social media, they hate the black uniforms and don’t even get me started on the museum.

ELAINE: (teasingly) Maybe you should’ve signed some free agents instead of redesigning costumes. What’s next, sequins?

Just as Steve begins to respond, Kramer bursts into the apartment, full of his usual unwarranted optimism.

KRAMER: (excitedly) You’re in luck, Steve! JD Martinez is still available. Imagine the headlines: “From Museum Mistake to Home Run Hero!”

STEVE: (perplexed) JD Martinez? What are we going to do, distract the fans  with home runs?

JERRY: (sarcastically) It’s better than distracting them with interpretive dance.

KRAMER: (nodding) Exactly! It’s all about the narrative.

STEVE: (skeptical) And you think JD Martinez is the key to transforming our image?

JERRY: (sipping coffee) Well, it beats trying to win games based on the slimming effects of black uniforms.

ELAINE: (chuckling) Yeah, because when I think baseball, I think haute couture.

KRAMER: (seriously) Listen, Steve.. Martinez hits a few homers, suddenly the uniforms are ‘bold’, not ‘bleak’. The dance team becomes ‘innovative’, not ‘incomprehensible’.

STEVE: (pondering) So, you’re suggesting we outslug our problems?

JERRY: (jokingly) It’s the American way. If you can’t solve it, outscore it.

INT. METS FRONT OFFICE – DAY

Steve strides into the office with determination. David is already there, pouring over player stats and potential signings on his computer. Steve wastes no time in getting straight to the point.

STEVE: David, I’ve made a decision. We’re going to sign JD Martinez.

David looks up, surprised, then quickly pulls up Martinez’s stats on his screen.

DAVID: (concerned) Are you sure? His walk percentage was down to 7.1 from 8.7 the year before. That’s a significant drop.

STEVE: (dismissing the concern with a wave of his hand) Walks schmalks. Sign him. We need his bat in the lineup, and we need a story to get the fans excited again.

DAVID: (typing) Alright, if you’re sure. But it’s not just about the walks. His overall on-base percentage…

STEVE: (firmly) David, I appreciate the diligence, but let’s not get lost in the weeds. We need a hitter, and Martinez can hit. That’s what the fans want to see, and that’s what’s going to win us games.

David nods, still a bit hesitant but trusting Steve’s judgment. He begins the process of reaching out to Martinez’s agent, ready to negotiate.

DAVID: (getting to work) Okay, I’ll get on it right away. Let’s hope his bat does all the talking we need it to.

STEVE: (smiling) That’s the spirit. We’re playing long ball here, David. Time to make some bold moves.

INT. METS OWNER’S BOX AT CITI FIELD – DAY

The gang is gathered in the owner’s box, the air thick with tension. The Mets are down by one in the bottom of the ninth, bases loaded, and JD Martinez steps up to the plate. The crowd’s excitement is palpable, everyone on the edge of their seats.

The voice of Gary Cohen fills the box, emanating from the speakers: “The bases are loaded with the Mets down one, two outs, and JD Martinez is the batter.”

STEVE: (holding his breath) This is it. This is why we signed him.

JERRY: (nervously) Come on, JD. Earn that paycheck.

ELAINE: (clasping her hands together) Please let this be a movie moment.

KRAMER: (standing up) I can feel it! This is the big one!

Gary Cohen’s voice rises in excitement: “Martinez hits one to the track, to the wall…”

The gang leans forward, as if willing the ball over the wall with their collective will.

GARY COHEN: “…it’s caught, and the Mets lose again.”

A collective groan fills the owner’s box. The crowd’s energy deflates in an instant, the palpable excitement replaced with disappointment.

STEVE: (sighing deeply) So close…

JERRY: (trying to lighten the mood) Well, on the bright side, at least we know the ballpark’s dimensions are accurate.

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The Mets Museum is….gone.

Presumably this is so the store could be bigger?   Who knows what Mets owners Steve and Alex Cohen are even thinking this off-season.  Every decision seems to be awful.

Please tell me they didn’t ruin the museum.

This looks kinda afterthought to me.  “Where can we stick them?”

 

PLEASE TELL ME YOU DIDNT RUIN THE MUSEUM TO HAVE A BIGGER STORE

DON’T TELL ME THEY DESTROYED THE MUSEUM

THEY DESTROYED THE MUSEUM!!!!!

 

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The Interpreter

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

Steve is standing triumphantly in Jerry’s apartment, taking advantage of a rare opportunity to boast about his decision-making skills, especially in light of recent events in the baseball world.

STEVE: (proudly) See, Jerry? I’m the smart one now. Did you see that Ohtani betting scandal? Dodged a bullet there.

JERRY: (nodding reluctantly) Yeah, maybe you were right not to call. And what about Yamamoto?

STEVE: (smirking) Gave up five runs in one inning. Tell me I don’t know how to run a baseball team.

As they’re discussing, Kramer bursts into the apartment, sporting a Dodgers cap, which immediately draws puzzled looks from both Steve and Jerry.

JERRY: (confused) Kramer, why are you wearing a Dodgers cap?

KRAMER: (beaming) Because, my friends, I am Ohtani’s new interpreter!

STEVE: (disbelieving) But you don’t speak Japanese.

Kramer responds with a surprisingly fluent sentence in Japanese, leaving Jerry and Steve momentarily speechless.

KRAMER: (proudly) Picked it up from watching sumo wrestling on TV. It’s all about immersion, my friends.

JERRY: (sarcastically) Right, because sumo wrestling and baseball have so much in common.

STEVE: (still skeptical) This I’ve got to see. How do you plan on interpreting if you only picked up a bit from TV?

KRAMER: (waving off the concern Language is about feeling, about emotion. I’m not just translating words; I’m translating the soul of baseball.

JERRY: (teasing) Well, let’s hope Ohtani’s soul doesn’t get sent to prison

Scene: Press conference room. Shohei Ohtani is at the podium with Kramer standing next to him as his interpreter. Reporters are gathered, murmuring.

Reporter 1: Ohtani-san, what do you have to say about the allegations of your involvement in the betting scandal?

Ohtani: 私はこの問題には一切関与していません。疑惑は全くの事実無根です。 (I am not at all involved in this issue. The allegations are completely unfounded.)

Kramer: Uhh, he says… he was betting, but just small amounts! You know, to make the games more interesting. No big deal.

[Reporters gasp and scribble furiously. Ohtani looks confused and alarmed.]

Reporter 2: Did you ever place bets through unofficial channels or bookies?

[Ohtani replies in Japanese, shaking his head.] Ohtani: いいえ、私は一度も賭博行為には手を染めたことはありません。 (No, I have never once engaged in any gambling activities.)

Kramer: He’s saying, yes, he placed a few bets through this guy Vinny. But Vinny’s a stand-up guy, real professional!

[Uproar from the reporters. Ohtani tries to interject but Kramer keeps talking.]

Kramer: Ohtani’s not too worried though. I mean, who doesn’t bet a little on the side, am I right? Keeps things exciting!

[Kramer chuckles and playfully elbows Ohtani. Ohtani looks horrified. Reporters start shouting questions. Ohtani grabs the mic.]

Ohtani: (in English) No no, that not what I said! I never bet, never!

[Ohtani glares at Kramer. Kramer shrugs sheepishly.]

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

Jerry, Elaine, and Steve are gathered in front of the TV, watching the aftermath of Kramer’s bizarre foray into baseball “interpretation.” As they absorb the spectacle, Steve’s recent offseason moves—or lack thereof—suddenly seem less disastrous in comparison.

STEVE: (pondering) Do you think anyone’s actually buying this?

JERRY: (dryly) If by “buying,” you mean wondering if this is some sort of avant-garde performance art, then yes.

ELAINE: (teasing Steve) Hey, compared to this, your offseason doesn’t look so bad. Maybe missing out on some of those free agents was a stroke of genius.

STEVE: (half-smiling) Yeah, who knew Kramer’s antics could put my decisions in a better light?

JERRY: (laughing) You know, if baseball has a betting scandal, you’re never going to get that casino you’ve been dreaming about.

STEVE: (sighing) One crisis at a time, Jerry.

On the TV, Kramer, still at the press conference, has now begun using baseball metaphors to explain unrelated topics, further confusing everyone but doing so with his characteristic enthusiasm.

JERRY: (quipping) At least he’s sticking to baseball. He could be giving out your trade secrets next.

ELAINE: (laughing) What secrets? How to not pick up the phone?

STEVE: (reluctantly amused) Well, I guess there’s a silver lining here. At least people are talking about something other than our offseason moves.