INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY
Jerry’s reading the sports section at the counter. Elaine’s making coffee. It’s quiet, peaceful — until she speaks.
ELAINE: I felt bad for that young Red Sox pitcher the other night. He was doing great until that one inning.
JERRY: Yeah, but he hit his career pitch count high. You could see it coming. One more pitch and the arm’s like, “That’s it, I’m on vacation.” You can’t push these guys past their limits.
(The door bursts open — Steve rushes in, beaming with excitement.)
STEVE: What are you guys talking about?
JERRY: Nothing you’d care about. Why are you so happy?
STEVE: Big news, people! The Mets have a new culture! We’re going to win now AND in the future!
JERRY: Oh boy.
ELAINE: Here we go again.
STEVE: What do you mean “again”?
JERRY: Steve, you change “cultures” more than Newman changes shirts.
ELAINE: You do this every year!
JERRY: Remember when you brought in David as GM? New culture.
ELAINE: Or hired Carlos as manager? New culture.
JERRY: Or the time you hired Buck? New culture.
ELAINE: What about the agent you made the GM?
STEVE: Hey! That wasn’t me!
ELAINE: And Carlos Beltrán — that new culture lasted what, two days?
STEVE (flustered): All right, all right, all right! Enough! This is different! This is about identity.
(Kramer bursts in.)
KRAMER: What’s all the racket?
ELAINE: Nothing you’d care about.
STEVE: The Mets have a new culture!
KRAMER: Oh, I love culture! Thick, rich — like Greek yogurt! Good for the digestion!
JERRY: Yeah, until it curdles by midseason.
ELAINE: So what exactly is this new culture, Steve?
STEVE (grandly): Accountability. Energy. Positivity.
JERRY: You sound like a Peloton instructor.
ELAINE: What about winning? Is that part of the culture, or is that still optional?
STEVE: Yes. The New York Mets are committed to winning now…….and in the future,
ELAINE: I still can’t get over this “new culture.” What happened to the old one?
JERRY: Oh you mean, LOSING now, and in the future? That’s still here.
STEVE: Winning will come because of the culture!
JERRY: You said that last year. And the year before that.
KRAMER (nodding): You know what you need? A slogan. Something with pizzazz! “Mets Baseball — Believe in Tomorrow!”
JERRY: Yeah, because today’s a nightmare.
ELAINE: What about “Mets Baseball — We’re Due”?
JERRY: Or “Mets Baseball — Let’s Just Try Not to Embarrass Ourselves This Month.”
KRAMER: You gotta own it, Steve! Get the fans hyped! Throw a party! A parade! A culture launch!
JERRY: Yeah no way that parade goes sideways,
STEVE: You’re mocking now, but this time it’s different. We’ve got communication, teamwork, leadership—
INT. CITI FIELD – PRESS ROOM – DAY
A banner next to the podium reads: “THE NEW YORK METS – BUILDING A NEW CULTURE.” Steve stands at the podium, grinning with the overeager confidence of a man who thinks PowerPoint slides can win championships. Beside him is LAUREN, his new head of communications — professional, peppy, and new to baseball.
STEVE: Good afternoon, everyone. We’ve had a challenging season, sure, but today’s about the future — about the new culture of the New York Mets. A culture of accountability, excellence, and teamwork.
LAUREN: That’s right! A new culture! This isn’t just about baseball. It’s about… energy. Positivity. Collaboration. Passion. The New York Mets are here to win this year AND in the future.
REPORTER 1: So… the same culture you announced last year?
STEVE: (chuckling) No, no, this one’s… newer.
REPORTER 2: What exactly is “new” about it?
STEVE: It’s… more focused! We’re going to win now, and in the future.
REPORTER 3: Focused on what?
STEVE: Winning!
REPORTER 3: Didn’t you try winning before?
(Laughter ripples through the room. Lauren jumps in nervously.)
LAUREN: Let me just say — this is a culture built on innovation. Think of it like… MTV in its prime. It’s got that spark. That vibe. That… pizzazz. People will be saying “I Want My New York Mets!”
REPORTER 4: Is “MTV in its prime” really the model for a baseball team?
JERRY (watching from the back, mutters): Can Kurt Loder pitch?
LAUREN: The Mets are fresh, the brand is cool, it’s retro! Back when MTV had identity! Videos! Energy! I Want My New York Mets!
REPORTER 1: You mean the brand is 1985?
JERRY (mutters): They didn’t make the playoffs that year either.
STEVE: The point is—this organization is about more than baseball. It’s about culture. It’s about connection. It’s about Queens!
REPORTER 2: Is that the same “connection” that led Pete Alonso to opting out before the reporters even asked a second question?
STEVE: You can’t have culture without change!
REPORTER 3: You also can’t have wins without pitchers.
JERRY (to Elaine): Details, details.
(Lauren steps forward, clapping once for attention.)
LAUREN: We’re also rebranding the fan experience. You’ll see new hashtags, new vibes, new energy. The slogan? “Pizzazz in Queens.”
(The reporters collectively groan. Steve smiles proudly.)
REPORTER 4: Pizzazz?
LAUREN: Yes! It’s fun, it’s youthful, it’s… glitter-adjacent!
REPORTER 2: What does “glitter-adjacent” mean?
LAUREN: It means we shine — metaphorically! Don’t you want your New York Mets?
(Steve wipes his brow, still forcing a grin.)
STEVE: Look, the Mets are more than a team. We’re a movement.
REPORTER 1: A movement toward what?
STEVE: The future! When we’ll win. And now. We’ll win now too.
LAUREN: Thank you all! And remember — this season, the Mets aren’t just playing baseball… they’re spreading pizzazz! Now who wants their New York Mets?
(Silence. One reporter coughs. Someone mutters “We’re doomed.”)
JERRY (to Elaine): You know what’s really new about the culture? The part where they think this’ll work.
(Steve forces a smile, the “PIZZAZZ IN QUEENS” banner behind him starting to peel off the wall.)