INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – SUNDAY MORNING
The door BURSTS open — Kramer slides in, practically vibrating with excitement.
KRAMER (shouting before he’s even fully inside): Did you see it?! Did you SEE IT?! The Dodgers won the World Series AGAIN!
JERRY: Wow, what a shock — the rich superteam won.
ELAINE: Well, teams with rich owners don’t always win.. Sometimes they don’t even make the third wild card.
JERRY: You gotta sign pitching if you wanna be the third wild card.
KRAMER: I tell ya — total team effort! Total! They even used four starters outta the bullpen! Four! Starters! Outta the bullpen!
ELAINE: Four starters? In the bullpen?
KRAMER: That’s right! It’s genius! GENIUS! Just roll ‘em out one after another
JERRY: Imagine that, Steve. Using your starters as relievers… instead of signing relievers and making them your starters.
STEVE: (shaky) We — we were innovating.
ELAINE: Innovating? You started six middle relievers last season.
STEVE: We believed in versatility!
JERRY:You believed in chaos.
ELAINE: And overuse.
KRAMER: And Yamamoto — Yamamoto! That guy’s like a samurai with a slider!
ELAINE: (turns to Steve, smirking) Didn’t you try to sign a guy name Yamamato?
JERRY: Uh oh. Here we go.
STEVE (defensive, raising a hand): First of all — I DID try. I flew all the way to Japan! I ate eel! I bowed! I immersed!
(gestures dramatically)
There was immersion!
ELAINE: And he still didn’t sign with you?
STEVE: Well he— he—
(stammers)
Listen, it was close, he… he just—
(logic collapsing)
—he went somewhere else.
JERRY: Yes, Steve, to the team that actually wins things.
STEVE: I made an impression!
JERRY: Yeah — “never call this guy again.”
KRAMER: And Ohtani! Oh, OH-tani! The man hits, he pitches, he buys his teammates cars—
(winks)
Class act.
ELAINE: Didn’t you want Ohtani too?
STEVE: (slow burn) He. Didn’t. Call.
JERRY: Maybe he lost your number.
(beat)
Maybe everybody lost your number.
STEVE: Nobody loses my number. I have a very public number.
JERRY: Steve, I’m just saying — have you ever considered the idea that…nobody wants to be on the Mets?
STEVE: (shrill) That is NOT TRUE! People want to be Mets!
ELAINE: Name one.
STEVE: Juan Soto.
ELAINE: Does he pitch?
STEVE: No Elaine, he doesn’t pitch.
KRAMER: The Dodgers win because they’re owned by a guy who signs the best players.
Shohei Ohtani!
Yamamoto!
Mookie Betts!
ELAINE: Mookie Betts. Isn’t that the guy the Mets wouldn’t trade Matt Harvey for?
STEVE: (snaps) Hey that wasn’t me, that was Jeff!
JERRY: Yeah, Betts has 4 rings now.
ELAINE: What is Matt Harvey dong now?
JERRY: He sells real estate in Connecticut.
STEVE: That wasn’t me!!!!!!
KRAMER: And don’t forget Freddie Freeman!
ELAINE: I thought Freeman was on the Braves.
JERRY: No, he was a free agent. The Dodgers signed him and he won the MVP.
ELAINE: Why didn’t the Mets sign him?
STEVE: Well, we had Pete Alonso.
JERRY: Yes Elaine, the Mets said “Pete Alonso? Sure — he hits some homers and eats chicken parm. Good enough!”
STEVE: Pete is a cornerstone!
JERRY: Was a cornerstone.
ELAINE: Of missing the playoffs.
JERRY: He opted out in his cleats.
KRAMER : Didn’t even shower. Just bing! Freedom.
STEVE (whining): I flew across the world for Yamamoto! What else do they want from me???
JERRY: A winner?
ELAINE: A vision?
KRAMER: A check with more zeros?
STEVE: I once offered a guy $400 million!
JERRY: And he offered you silence.
STEVE: We had a five year plan.
JERRY: I kinda like the Dodgers plan where you win two World Series.
ELAINE: Maybe a six year plan?
JERRY: Oh, the Dodgers have that too! That comes with THREE World Series.
KRAMER: Well — I gotta go. Dodgers victory parade livestream starts in five minutes.
(door SLAMS)