The Mets Police

The Wall Street Journal sets up today’s fun with an article titled The Mets Aren’t Even Good at Being Rich and although it is paywalled the fun part is below (the bold is mine)

The Mets’ sudden unattractiveness to free agents—or rather its abrupt return to unattractiveness—can be traced through the past two seasons. In 2022, the Mets had the second highest payroll in baseball, won 101 games, and still finished as runners-up in the National League East. Then in 2023, they succumbed to crushing mediocrity. They finished with a 75-87 record—forgettable even by the Mets’ standards. (via WSJ)

Those two seasons put enormous dents into the Mets’ reputation as potential World Series contenders. It’s hard to say which did more damage.

INT. METS OFFICE – DAY

Steve sits across from Buck Showalter in a serious, slightly uncomfortable meeting.

STEVE: (awkwardly confident) Buck, I’ve decided to go in a different direction for next season.

BUCK: (confused) Different direction? We won 101 games last year, Steve. You traded half the team in June.

STEVE: (overstating) It’s totally my decision, Buck. I just feel it’s time for a change. A fresh perspective.

BUCK: (still confused) But I was Manager of the Year…

STEVE: (hastily) Yes, yes, and you did great! But it’s a… strategic move. All me. My decision.

BUCK: (confused) Strategic Move?

STEVE: (stammering) Well, you see, it’s… it’s a strategic thing. All my idea. Completely.

Suddenly, the door bursts open, and an intern rushes in, whispering frantically in Steve’s ear. Steve’s eyes widen.

INTERN:  Boss, David is on line two, he wants to know if its done yet.

STEVE: (awkwardly) Actually, Buck….it’s your aura.

BUCK: (incredulously) My aura?

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

JERRY: (baffled) You let go of Buck Showalter? The guy who just had a stellar season? Why?

STEVE: (proudly) Yep! My decision! Time for a new era!

JERRY: (incredulous) And who’s replacing him?

STEVE: Carlos Mendoza.

JERRY: Who?

STEVE:  Carlos Mendoza.

JERRY:  Like I said.  Who?  Who is Carlos Mendoza????

STEVE: Jerry, my friend, you are looking at the man who just hired away the Yankees bench coach.

JERRY: (more baffled) The Yankees’ bench coach? Why?

STEVE: (trying to sound visionary) He’s got potential, Jerry! Untapped potential!

JERRY: (puzzled) Potential? What kind of potential?

STEVE: (trying to sound knowledgeable) You know, Jerry, the potential… the… untapped potential!

JERRY: (sarcastically) Oh, untapped potential. Like a hidden treasure in the dugout?

STEVE: (enthusiastically) Exactly! He’s got this… this aura. A managerial aura!

JERRY: (doubtful) Aura? I thought we were talking about baseball.

STEVE: (defensively) It’s a new approach, Jerry. Analytics are out, gut feelings, aura, that’s in. It’s all part of the game now.

JERRY: (teasing) So, what, does he have a better aura than Buck? Is it a winning aura? A playoff aura?

STEVE: (struggling) Well, it’s… it’s hard to explain. It’s like he knows things. Things others don’t.

JERRY: (mockingly) Like a baseball psychic?

STEVE: (nodding, then hesitating) Yes! No, no, not a psychic. More like he’s… he’s got a vision. A strategic vision!

JERRY: (still teasing) A strategic, aura-reading, untapped visionary. Boy, the Mets are really breaking new ground!

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Suddenly, Kramer bursts in, his hair wilder than usual, his eyes bright with excitement.

KRAMER: (excitedly) Hey, I just heard the news! You hired Carlos Mendoza!  That’s a great hire Steve!

STEVE: (surprised) You think it’s a good move?

KRAMER: (enthusiastically) Oh, it’s brilliant. Mendoza… he’s got an aura. A real winner’s aura!

STEVE: (claps hands, relieved) See, Jerry? I told you about the aura!

KRAMER: (nodding) Oh yeah, it’s all about the energy, the vibes. I met him once, you know. He’s got that… that magnetic field of success around him!

JERRY: (jokingly) What, do you have an aura detector now, Kramer?

KRAMER: (seriously) You don’t need a detector, Jerry. You feel it! It’s like… (waves hands around) …zapping through the air!

STEVE: (proudly) Exactly! That’s what I saw in him. The zapping!

JERRY:  The zapping

STEVE:  Zapping Jerry.  An Aura.

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – A FEW MONTHS LATER

Jerry, Kramer, and Steve are watching a Mets game on TV. The atmosphere is tense; the Mets are losing badly. Steve looks particularly distressed.

JERRY: (dryly) How’s that zapping working out for you?

STEVE: (anxiously) It’s just a rough patch, Jerry. Every team has them.

KRAMER: (excitedly) Wait, wait! It’s the ninth inning. This is where the aura comes in!

The camera on TV shows Carlos Mendoza, looking stressed in the dugout. The Mets proceed to make a series of blunders, trailing in the game.

JERRY: (teasing) Maybe Mendoza’s aura is on the fritz.

STEVE: (dejected) This isn’t how it was supposed to go. He had the aura, Jerry. The zapping!

KRAMER: (trying to be optimistic) Maybe it’s a low-energy day. You know, cosmic interference.

JERRY: (sarcastically) Yeah, probably solar flares or something.

STEVE: (sighs) I don’t get it. The fans are furious, the press is having a field day, and the team… the team just isn’t responding to his aura.

JERRY: (teasing) Looks like Mendoza’s aura got caught stealing to end the game.

 

EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET – DAY

Jerry and Elaine are walking down the street when they notice Steve standing next to a beat-up car, looking perplexed.

JERRY: (approaching) Hey, Steve. What’s with the clunker?

STEVE: (glancing at the car) Oh, this? It just showed up this morning. No idea where it came from.

Jerry notices a card tucked under the windshield wiper and points it out.

ELAINE: (curiously) Hey, there’s a card. Maybe it’s a clue. Why don’t you open it?

Steve retrieves the card, opening it with a sense of apprehension. He reads it aloud, his voice tinged with disbelief.

STEVE: (reading) “Thanks for not calling. Merry Christmas, – Ohtani”

ELAINE: (laughing) Ohtani? The baseball player?

STEVE: (sighing) Yeah. The one I didn’t call. I guess this is his way of thanking me.

ELAINE: (teasing) Maybe he’s thanking you for not clogging his voicemail. Or maybe this is your prize for missing out on him.

STEVE: (looking at the car) Some prize. This thing looks like it’s been through a demolition derby.

JERRY: (playfully) Well, look at it this way, Steve. You might not have gotten Ohtani, but you got yourself a… (gestures to the car) unique piece of memorabilia.

STEVE: (dryly) Great. Just what I needed.

EXT. NEW YORK CITY STREET – CONTINUOUS

As Jerry, Elaine and Steve stand by the beat-up car, Kramer comes strolling up the street. He does a double-take when he sees the car.

KRAMER: (surprised) What in the world is this?

STEVE: (dryly) A gift from Ohtani. His way of saying thanks for not calling.

KRAMER: (nodding) Ah, Ohtani! You know, he got Joe Kelly’s wife a car.

JERRY: (confused) Why would he get Joe Kelly a car?

KRAMER: (correcting) No, no, not Joe, his wife! Because Joe gave up his number for Ohtani.

STEVE: (perplexed) So, he buys cars for people’s wives now?

JERRY: (smirking) She must have called.

 

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

Steve  is slumped on Jerry’s couch, looking glum. Jerry is trying to cheer him up.

JERRY: (concerned) What’s the matter, Steve?

STEVE: (sighing) Mets fans are furious with me, Jerry. Nothing I do seems to work.

Kramer bursts into the apartment with his usual flair.

KRAMER: (noticing Steve) Hey, what’s with him?

JERRY: (gesturing towards Steve) Oh, he’s still upset about all the free agents signing with the Dodgers.

STEVE: (sighing deeply) It’s like a curse, Jerry. No matter what I do, they just keep going to Los Angeles.

KRAMER: (getting an idea) You know what you need, Steve? A new image! Something that’ll really endear you to the fans.

STEVE: (despondently) What could possibly do that?

KRAMER: (excitedly) You become a department store Santa! It’s perfect!

JERRY: (skeptical) Santa? That’s your big solution?

KRAMER: (enthusiastically) Yes, Jerry! Santa! Everyone loves Santa. It’s a public relations goldmine!

STEVE: (pondering) Santa, huh? Maybe it’s not the worst idea…

JERRY: (dryly) Oh, it’s up there.

STEVE: (considering) Well, I suppose it couldn’t hurt…

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INT. DEPARTMENT STORE – DAY

Steve, dressed as Santa, is in the Santa’s grotto. A little girl approaches him.

GIRL: (excitedly) Hi, Santa! Can I get a contract with the Dodgers?

STEVE: (smiling) How about a contract with the Mets from your uncle Steeeeee…Santa Claus?

GIRL: (frowning) The Mets? But they’re losers!

STEVE: (defensively) Hey, the Mets are not losers! How about $300 million to join them?

GIRL: (adamantly) No! I want the Dodgers!

Steve’s patience snaps, and he starts raising his voice at the girl. The mother, alarmed, intervenes.

MOTHER: (alarmed) Santa, stop yelling at my child!

STEVE: (frantically) Wait, wait! I can offer more! How about $800 million? $900 million?

The mother, now horrified, grabs her child and starts backing away.

MOTHER: (shocked) This is outrageous! I’m reporting this!

STEVE: (desperate) A billion! I can do a billion!

 

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INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – LATER

Steve is back, looking even more disheartened.

STEVE: (dejected) And then the mother started screaming at me. It was a disaster.

JERRY: (teasing) Who knew Santa could be so controversial?

KRAMER: (thoughtfully) You know, in some cultures, Santa negotiates toy contracts.

STEVE: (dryly) Great, next year I’ll be negotiating with elves.

The gang is over at Frank’s house for Festivus, complete with the iconic unadorned aluminum pole. Frank, Estelle, Jerry, Elaine, Kramer, and Steve  gather around the dinner table.

FRANK: (standing with authority) And now, the Airing of Grievances. I’ve got a lot of problems with you people!

Steve looks increasingly uncomfortable as Frank turns his attention to him.

FRANK: (pointing at Steve) You! Steve! Trading Scherzer and Verlander? What were you thinking?

STEVE: (nervously) Frank, it’s about the future. We need prospects. It’s a strategic—

FRANK: (cutting him off) Prospects? Prospects?! We need winners, not prospects!  Why didn’t you sign Ohtani? Huh?

STEVE: (defensively) Frank, it’s not that simple. Ohtani never called.

ESTELLE: (interjecting) Well, did you call him?

STEVE: (exasperated) You don’t just call players like Ohtani. It’s not done that way.

FRANK: (exploding in anger) Not done that way? Not done that way?! If you want something, you go get it, Steve! You pick up the phone and call!

STEVE: (trying to reason) Frank, in baseball, there are agents, negotiations…

FRANK: (interrupting, shouting) Excuses! That’s all I hear! If you wanted Ohtani, you should’ve called him! Show some initiative!

JERRY: (to Elaine, sotto voce) Maybe he should have sent a singing telegram.

ELAINE: (giggling) Or a carrier pigeon.

KRAMER: (nodding) Carrier pigeons, very reliable.

FRANK: (demanding) And what about Yamamoto? Why didn’t you sign him?

ESTELLE: (puzzled) Who’s Yamamoto?

FRANK: (frustrated) Who’s Yamamoto? He’s a player Steve should’ve signed, that’s who!

ESTELLE: (shrinking back) Oh…

STEVE: (trying to explain)  I tried everything. I even had him over for dinner.

FRANK: (incredulously) Dinner? You think a dinner is going to sign a player?

STEVE: (frustrated) I thought it was a nice gesture, Frank. A personal touch.

FRANK: (raising his voice) Personal touch?! This is baseball, not a dinner party! You need to show them power, not meatloaf!

ESTELLE: (curiously) Did you make meatloaf?

JERRY: (jokingly) Maybe you should’ve tried a pot roast.

FRANK: (continuing his rant) And another thing about those uniforms! The black uniforms are terrible! The Mets’ colors are blue and orange, blue and orange!

STEVE: (trying to interject) Frank, the uniforms are a modern design—

FRANK: (dismissing) Modern, Schmodern! They look like funeral attire! We need tradition, Steve, tradition!

STEVE: (proudly) Well, I did retire some numbers, Frank. That’s tradition!

FRANK: (fuming) Retired numbers? You retired too many numbers! We don’t have any numbers left!

JERRY: (smirking) I don’t think that’s how numbers work.

KRAMER: (randomly) You know, in some cultures, numbers are considered sacred. Like the number 7. It’s very powerful.

ELAINE: (bemused) What does that have to do with baseball?

KRAMER: (enthusiastically) Everything, Elaine! It’s all interconnected. The players, the numbers, the aura!

ESTELLE: (confused) Why can’t they just make up new numbers?

JERRY: (laughing) Yeah, Steve, start using fractions. Batting third, number 3 and a half!