The Mets Police

Steve is reading the New York Post, where he learns Yamamoto has signed with the Dodgers.

STEVE: (exasperated) I don’t get it, Jerry! I offered him everything. I even cooked him dinner.  Why won’t anyone take my money?

JERRY: (sarcastically) Maybe it’s not you, it’s them. You know, it’s not you, it’s me.

STEVE: (increasingly frustrated) But what’s there not to like about me? I’m a catch in the baseball world!

JERRY: (deadpan) Yeah, you’re every free agent’s dream.

STEVE: (gesticulating with the newspaper) I’m offering top salaries, bonuses, a chance to play in New York! It’s the Big Apple, Jerry!

JERRY: (shrugging) Maybe they’re more into oranges. You know, California?

STEVE: (sitting down, defeated) I just thought money talked in this game.

JERRY: (philosophically) Maybe it whispers, Steve. Maybe it whispers.

STEVE: (rants) I’m offering top dollar here, Jerry! It’s like they’re allergic to my money.

JERRY: (teasing) Maybe they heard about your ‘fantastic’ team management skills.

STEVE: (ignoring the jab) I just don’t understand what the Dodgers have that I don’t!

---

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – LATER

Kramer bursts in, decked out in Dodgers gear, much to Steve’s annoyance.

KRAMER: (cheerfully) Hey, did you guys hear? The Dodgers got Yamamoto now! They’ve got all the greats – Betts, Ohtani, Yamamoto!

STEVE: (irritated) Yes, Kramer, we heard

KRAMER: (excitedly) They’re stacking up like pancakes over there!

STEVE: (irritated) Yeah, Kramer, they have everyone.

Elaine breezes into the apartment, catching the tail end of Kramer’s enthusiastic outburst about the Dodgers “stacking up like pancakes.”

ELAINE: (smelling the air) Are you guys making pancakes?

JERRY: (gesturing to Steve) No, that’s just Steve stewing over free agents.

ELAINE: (looking at Steve) What’s with him?

STEVE: (sighing heavily) I offered Yamamoto everything, Elaine. And he signs with the Dodgers!

ELAINE: (perplexed) Who’s Yamamoto?

JERRY: (explaining) He’s a baseball player. Steve’s been trying to sign him for the Mets.

STEVE: (dejectedly) And it seems like everyone I try to sign ends up going somewhere else. It’s like I’m cursed!

ELAINE: (teasing) Maybe you’re not offering enough pancakes.

KRAMER: (cluelessly) You know, Steve, maybe it’s the energy you’re putting out there. You gotta project success!

STEVE: (sarcastically) Oh, is that what I’m doing wrong? I should just ‘project success’?

KRAMER: (nodding) Absolutely! It’s all about the vibes, the energy. You know, aura!

KRAMER: (oblivious to Steve’s mood) I’m telling you, it’s the aura of the team. The Dodgers’ aura is just unbeatable!

JERRY: (laughing) Maybe you should start investing in auras instead of players, Steve.

STEVE: (despondently) Maybe I should just start a cooking show instead.

INT. MONK’S CAFE – DAY

Jerry and Steve are in their usual booth. Steve is fidgeting with his phone, looking distressed.

JERRY: (noticing Steve’s distress) What’s the matter with you?

STEVE: He didn’t call.

JERRY:  Who didn’t call?

STEVE:  Him.

JERRY:  Ohtani?

STEVE: Ohtani never called, Jerry. He was supposed to call me about joining the Mets!

JERRY: (puzzled) Did you call him?

STEVE: (exasperated) That’s not how it works in baseball, Jerry! He’s supposed to call me. It’s a respect thing.

JERRY:  A respect thing.

STEVE:  A respect thing!  He calls me, I give him money.  That’s how it works Jerry.

---

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – LATER

Kramer bursts in,.

STEVE: It’s a disaster, Jerry! Ohtani signed with another team!

KRAMER: (excitedly) Ohtani? Shohei Ohtani? The two-way sensation?

STEVE: (frustrated) Yes, Kramer, the very one. He never called, and now he’s gone!

KRAMER: (speculating) Maybe he lost your number.

STEVE: (sarcastically) Oh, sure. He loses the number of the owner of the New York Mets. That happens.

KRAMER:  Well….did you call him?

STEVE:  Why would I call HIM?

KRAMER:  It’s a respect thing.  In Japanese culture, you call him.

JERRY: You call him.

STEVE:  Why would I call HIM?

KRAMER:  Oh, you gotta make the call.  If you don’t…..it shows a lack of respect.

---

Elaine enters the apartment.

ELAINE: (to Jerry) What’s with him?

JERRY:  He never called.

ELAINE:  Who never called?

STEVE: (dejected)  Ohtani.

JERRY: (smirking) He’s upset because Shohei Ohtani never called and now he signed with the Dodgers.

ELAINE: (confused) Wait, the baseball player? Why would he call you?

STEVE: (defeated) It’s a long story.

ELAINE:  Did you call him?

STEVE: (dejected) No.

ELAINE:  Well, you should have called.  It’s a respect thing.

INT. CITI FIELD OWNERS BOX – NIGHT

Steve, Jerry, and Kramer are at a game, watching Ohtani play for the Dodgers. Steve is visibly upset.

JERRY: (teasing) Look on the bright side, at least you’re not paying his salary.

STEVE: (grumbling) I would have paid double to see him in a Mets jersey.

KRAMER: (pondering) Maybe it’s a sign, you know? Like the universe telling you something.

STEVE: (annoyed) The only thing the universe is telling me is that I should’ve called.

---

 

INT. MONK’S CAFÉ – DAY

Jerry, Steve and Elaine, are sitting in a booth. Steve looks frustrated and bewildered. Kramer bursts into the café and slides into the booth next to them.

STEVE: Jerry, I just don’t get it. We’ve got the money, the facilities… Why won’t these players sign with the Mets?

JERRY: Maybe they’re not fans of the black uniforms?

Kramer, overhearing the conversation, leans in with an air of revelation.

KRAMER: Steve, you’re going about this all wrong. You need to show them the personal side. Have them over for dinner!

STEVE: Dinner? Kramer, I run a baseball team, not a restaurant. These guys should be jumping at the chance to play for us.

JERRY: (nodding) He’s got a point, Kramer. These are professional athletes, not dinner guests.

KRAMER: (insistent) No, no, no! It’s all about making a connection. Picture it, Steve: A nice meal, some fine wine, casual conversation. They’ll see you’re not just another suit.

STEVE: (pondering) A dinner, huh? Maybe you’re onto something, Kramer. But what if they don’t like the food?

JERRY: (laughs) I think the multi-million-dollar contract might make up for the overcooked roast, Steve.

INT. STEVE’’S LUXURIOUS DINING ROOM – EVENING

The dining room is elegantly set. Steve, in a rare domestic setting, looks slightly out of place. A distinguished-looking baseball player sits at the table, looking a bit uncomfortable. This player is a new international signing, who doesn’t speak English. An interpreter sits beside him.

STEVE: (trying to be affable) So, Yoshi, can I call you Yoshi? How do you like New York so far?

The player looks puzzled, turning to his interpreter who quickly translates. The player nods politely but doesn’t seem to understand the nickname ‘Yoshi’. He responds in his language.

INTERPRETER: He says his name is Yoshinobu, not Yoshi, sir. And he finds New York overwhelming but exciting.

Steve, slightly embarrassed, tries to recover.

STEVE: Right, Yoshinobu! Of course, my mistake. So, Yoshinobu, how about our pitching staff, huh? Top-notch, right?

The interpreter translates, but the player seems more interested in the food, which he’s eyeing with a mix of curiosity and apprehension.

YOSHINOBU: (through the interpreter) What is this dish?

Steve, proud of his effort, beams.

STEVE: It’s my special meatloaf. A family recipe!

Yoshinobu, after trying a bite, struggles to maintain a polite expression. It’s clear the meatloaf isn’t to his taste. The interpreter, tasting it himself, tries to hide his reaction.

INTERPRETER: (awkwardly) It’s very… unique, sir.

The dinner continues with a few more awkward attempts at conversation, with Steve trying to talk baseball and Yoshinobu responding politely through his interpreter, all while navigating the culinary misadventure in front of them.

STEVE: …and that’s not all, we’re planning to add a state-of-the-art casino to the stadium. Imagine that! Baseball and blackjack, side by side!

The interpreter translates, but Yoshinobu’s expression doesn’t change. He seems more confused than impressed. He whispers something to his interpreter.

YOSHINOBU: (through the interpreter) A casino? I am here to play baseball. This does not interest me.

Steve, sensing the player’s lack of enthusiasm, tries to shift gears.

STEVE: Uh, but of course, baseball is the main thing! The casino is just… extra entertainment, you know?

Yoshinobu now looking uncomfortable, speaks quietly to his interpreter, who hesitates before translating.

INTERPRETER: (reluctantly) Mr. Yoshinobu wishes to know if it would be possible to conclude the dinner early. He would like to… make a phone call.

STEVE: (surprised) A phone call? Sure, he can use my phone. Is everything okay?

The interpreter and Takashi exchange a quick glance. Takashi then speaks firmly.

 

STEVE: Jerry, you won’t believe it. He called the Dodgers! The Dodgers, Jerry! From my own house!

JERRY: (trying not to laugh) He called the Dodgers from your house? That’s bold.

STEVE: Bold? It’s a betrayal! I made him my special meatloaf, Jerry. My special meatloaf!

JERRY: Maybe it was the meatloaf that did it. You know, there’s a fine line between culinary innovation and a culinary crime.

I have one of these, but it’s the Countdown To Championship model….and I’ll tell you what….it has yet to make it all the way around.

Wow MLB and Casino gee thanks for this huge donation of….checks notes….$25,000.  Well, at least we got the sponsor name in on the tweet.

For those who can’t make out the tiny print, this MGM Resorts Investors press release says

Las Vegas Strip Resorts

• Net revenues of $2.2 billion in the current quarter compared to $1.7 billion in the prior year quarter, an increase of 31%. The current quarter benefited from the inclusion of The Cosmopolitan, an increase in business volume as the early part of the prior year quarter was negatively affected by the spread of the omicron variant, and an increase in REVPAR⁽⁴⁾, partially offset by the disposition of The Mirage;

Anyway, thanks to the casino and MLB for their tremendous donation of….checks notes….$25000.

Anyway, as you can see, the combination of baseball teaming up with casinos is great for the community.  If anyone ever asks you to just hand them parkland, say yes….they just might donate….checks notes again…… $25,000 to a charity.