The Mets Police

Saw this tweet and haven’t investigated but hmmmm

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

Jerry: So what happened with Severino?

Steve: (defensive) Look, these free agent negotiations are very complicated…

Jerry:  They must be. You never sign any of them.

Steve: That’s not fair! We signed… uh… we signed…Frankie Montas.

Jerry:  Will you listen to yourself?  Frankie Montas.  You sound like Jeff WIlpon now.

Elaine: What happened to the great Uncle Steve who was gonna come in here and spend like crazy?

Steve: (getting worked up) We made a very competitive offer!

Jerry: Sure you did. And now he’s signing with a team that doesn’t even have a city.

Elaine: Wait, what?

Jerry:  The A’s.  They don’t even have a city.  They left Oakland and are playing in a minor league stadium in Sacramento but somehow managed to outbid moneybags here.

Elaine: They’re playing in Sacramento?

Jerry: Yeah, before Vegas. It’s like signing with a traveling circus.

Elaine:  That’s ironic, usually the circus is in Queens.

Steve: (defensive) They made him a very good offer!

Jerry: They’re playing their home games out of a tent and he still chose them over you.  Did it ever occur to you nobody actually WANTS to play for the Mets?

[Kramer and Newman burst in]

Jerry: I thought you guys left for that thing with the Mets fans… what was it?

Kramer: The Queens Baseball Convention! But Newman had to prepare his panel.

Jerry: (incredulous) YOU’RE giving a panel?

Newman: (proudly) “The Postal Worker’s Guide to Collecting Autographs Without Getting Arrested.” It’s very informative.

Kramer: He’s got a whole section on proper fence-jumping technique!

Steve: (trying to change subject) Look, Severino wanted to go somewhere else. What could we do?

Jerry: I don’t know, maybe offer him more than a team that plays their home games out of a suitcase?

Elaine: At least the A’s have an excuse for not signing players – they’re broke. What’s your excuse?

Jerry:  You know, if the A’s ever do make it to Las Vegas, they have casinos there.

Elaine:  What, did they con Vegas into handing over parkland or something?

[Chad the social media intern bursts in]

Chad: Mr. Steve! Great news! I just tweeted that we’re “in” on every pitcher in Japan!

Steve: (brightening) Yes! See? We’re being aggressive!

Jerry: Steve, you do know “being in” on players and actually signing them are two different things, right?

Steve: (getting more defensive) We signed Montas!

Elaine: (checking her phone) Oh look, the A’s are having a “Welcome Severino” ceremony… in a Walmart parking lot.

Kramer: I bet I sell a lot of t-shirts today at the QBC.  They say,: “From OMG to OMG He Left”!

Steve: (desperately) We’re getting draft pick compensation!

Jerry: After the fourth round. That’s like getting store credit at a going-out-of-business sale.

Kramer: The “Almost A Met” shirts are selling like crazy! We just got an order for 1,000 “Severino: Sacramento Dreams” shirts!

Steve: (standing up) This isn’t fair! We’re trying our best!

Elaine: Your best is losing players to a team that plays in three different cities?

Newman: (thoughtful) You know, I could expand my panel to include “How to Forward Player Mail When You Don’t Know Which City They’re In.”

Steve: I have to go. I have a meeting about potentially signing…

All: (interrupting) “Someone.” We know!

[Steve leaves in a huff]

Kramer: (calling after him) Want me to save you a seat at Newman’s panel?

[

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – MORNING

[Kramer and Newman enter]

Jerry:  Where are you two bozos going?

Kramer: Ready for QBC, buddy!

Elaine: QBC? What’s that?

Newman: (smugly) Only the greatest event of the year – the Queens Baseball Convention!

Jerry: (looking at the schedule) Oh, this should be good. Let’s see what we’ve got here…

…. “Turk Wendell Panel.” Finally, someone to explain the importance of shark tooth necklaces in baseball.

Steve: (defensive) Hey, Turk was a fan favorite!

Jerry: Yeah, because he jumped over the foul line and brushed his teeth between innings. Really scraping the bottom of the barrel here, aren’t we?

Kramer: (excited) And don’t forget Gregg Jefferies!

Jerry: Ah yes, the guy who was supposed to be the next Pete Rose but ended up being the next… Gregg Jefferies.

Elaine: What’s there to discuss? “State of the Mets: We finished third”?

Jerry: No, no, they’ve got a lot to cover. The Grimace promotion, that weird “OMG” song…

Steve: (defensive) Those were marketing successes!

Jerry: Oh right, and don’t forget the Hawk Tuh girl.

Elaine: The what?

[Jerry whispers in her ear]

Elaine: (unimpressed) That’s it? That’s what everyone was talking about?

Kramer: You know what they should call this panel? “The State of Denial”!

Jerry: They’ll probably spend an hour talking about how they’re “in” on Soto.

Elaine: Has anyone noticed Pete Alonso isn’t even on the team anymore?

Steve: (defensive) We’re still in negotiations!

Jerry: So the state of the Mets is… third place, a purple McDonald’s mascot, a TikTok song, and no first baseman?

Elaine: You know what they should really call this panel? “The State of Confusion.”

Steve: (getting worked up) I should go! The fans would love to see me there!

Jerry: Sure, Steve. Nothing says “fan appreciation” like showing up to explain why you didn’t sign Soto, Ohtani, Yamamoto, or literally anyone else.

Newman: (proudly) I’m getting everything signed. Even brought my own black licorice for Turk Wendell!

Jerry:  Well at least someone is signing something, because Steve here isn’t signing any players.

Kramer: And I’ve got my “Almost A Met” shirts to sell! Even made special ones that say “Third Place Is The New First”!

Elaine: (reading) “Mystery Panel.” Is that where they reveal which team the Mets will lose to next?

[Chad the social media intern bursts in]

Chad: Mr. Steve! Should I tweet that you’re coming to QBC?

Steve: (excited) Yes! Tell them I’ll be there to discuss our plans for…

Jerry: (interrupting) For being “in” on every free agent but signing none of them?

Steve: (frustrated) You don’t understand! We’re building something here!

Jerry: Building what? A collection of third-place finishes?

[Kramer and Newman leave]

Elaine: (to Steve) You’re not really going, are you?

Steve: (deflating) No… I just remembered I have a meeting about potentially signing… someone.

Jerry: Let me guess – it’s complicated?

[Chad’s phone buzzes]

Chad: Mr. Steve! The Dodgers just signed another free agent while we were talking!

Steve: (jumping up) But we were “in” on him!

Jerry: Of course you were, Steve. Of course you were.

…

The Queens Baseball Convention is this Saturday and a great place to make fun of the Mets.  Details here.

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

[Jerry, Elaine, and Steve are hanging out]

Elaine: Whatever happened with that Soto guy? I thought you guys were going to sign him.

Steve: (defensive) We made a very competitive offer! Very competitive!

Jerry: Did you though? Because that’s what you said about Ohtani.

Steve: (getting worked up) Ohtani didn’t want to come to New York! Everyone knows that!

Jerry: And Yamamoto?

Steve: (more defensive) We were RIGHT THERE with the offer!

Elaine: (checking her phone) And now the Dodgers just signed Snell…

Steve: (stands up, pacing) Look, you don’t understand how these negotiations work. It’s very complicated!

Jerry: Is it? Seems pretty simple. Other teams offer money, players sign with them. You offer money, players sign somewhere else.

[Kramer bursts through the door]

Kramer: Hey, you’ll never believe who was just  in Boston! Juan Soto! He was at Fenway Park wearing a Red Sox jacket!

Steve: (deflating) That’s… that’s impossible. We’re still in negotiations!

Jerry: Are you though? Or are you just telling everyone you’re “in” on every free agent?

Elaine: Yeah, like when you said you were “in” on Verlander.

Steve: (defensive) We signed Verlander!

Elaine: And how’d that work out?

[Newman enters]

Jerry: Hello Newman.

Newman: Hello, Je-rry. (turns to Steve) Hey, I just saw on Twitter that Mark Gooden is reporting the Mets are “in” on trading for Mike Trout?

Steve: (perking up) Well, you know, we’re exploring all possibilities…

Jerry: (interrupting) See? This is exactly what I’m talking about!

Elaine: Steve, you’re like that guy who says he’s “talking to” someone but never actually goes on a date.

Kramer: (excited) Oh! That gives me another t-shirt idea: “The Mets – We’re Talking To Everybody!”

Steve: (defensive) We make competitive offers! It’s not our fault if players choose to sign elsewhere!

Elaine: The Angels just tweeted that the Mike Trout rumor is completely false.

Steve: (quickly) Well, we never actually said we were pursuing him…

Jerry: But you were “in” on him, right?

[Everyone laughs except Steve]

Kramer: (pulling out more shirts) Look, I’ve got “Almost A Met” shirts too! And “We Were This Close” shirts! And my personal favorite: “Maybe Next Year”!

Steve: (getting up) I have to go. I’ve got a meeting about potentially signing… someone.

Jerry: Let me guess – it’s very complicated?

Steve: (at the door) You’ll see! We’re going to sign someone big! Just wait!

[Steve leaves]

Elaine: Ten bucks says that “someone” signs with the Dodgers tomorrow.

Jerry: That’s not fair. Could be the Yankees.

Kramer: (still focused on his shirts) Hey, should I start printing “Future Dodger” shirts instead?

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

[Steve bursts in, visibly excited]

Steve: (bursting in) Jerry! Jerry! You’ll never believe this – Juan Soto is following the Mets on Instagram!

Jerry: (deadpan) And this means…?

Steve: It’s a sign, Jerry! He’s coming to the Mets!

[Elaine takes out her phone, starts scrolling]

Elaine: Oh, interesting. He’s also following the Yankees.

Steve: (deflating slightly) Well, that doesn’t mean…

Elaine: And the New York Botanical Gardens.  I’m going to follow him.

Jerry: (smirking) Clearly he’s a big fan of horticulture.

Elaine: Ooh, he just followed me back.  And he follows the Avengers too!

[Kramer bursts through the door wearing a t-shirt with Soto’s face poorly photoshopped onto a stick figure]

Kramer: You’ll never believe it! I just started my new business – “Premature Celebration Shirts”!

Jerry: Your what?

Kramer: I make t-shirts celebrating sports moves before they happen! I’ve already got 5,000 “Soto’s a Met” shirts printed up!

Steve: (horrified) Kramer, you can’t do that! That’s trademark infringement!

Kramer: (animated) No no no, Jerry, you don’t understand. I changed just enough details to make it legal. See? (points to shirt) That’s not Soto’s actual face –  And I spelled it “Juan S0T0 with zeros instead of ohs.

Jerry: (examining shirt) Is that… is his body just a stick figure with baseball bats for arms?

Kramer: That’s the beauty of it, Jerry! When players don’t sign, I can just change the name and resell them! I’ve got a warehouse full of “Carlos Correa’s a Met” shirts that I’m turning into “Carlos Korea’s Asian Fusion Restaurant” shirts!

[Newman bursts in]

Newman: Kramer! We’ve got a problem! The “Judge to the Mets” shirts from last year got mixed up with the “Ohtani to the Mets” shirts, and now we’ve got boxes of shirts that say “Aaron Ohtani is Judge-ing the Mets”!

Steve: (putting his head in his hands) This is terrible.

Kramer: (excited) No no, it’s brilliant! We’re cornering the market on disappointed fans! Next week we’re releasing our “Pete Alonso Extension” line!

Steve: (perking up) Wait, what about Pete?

Jerry: (to Elaine) Here we go again…

INT. CITI FIELD – DAYChad: Mr. Steve! Great news! Our social media engagement is up 500% since Soto followed us!

Steve: (triumphantly) See? What did I tell you?

Chad: Yeah, I already tweeted “Welcome to New York, Juan! #LGM” with some fire emojis!

Steve: (horrified) You did WHAT?

[Steve’s phone starts ringing – it’s MLB officials]

Steve: (panicking) No, no,  Chad, delete it! DELETE IT!

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – THAT EVENING

[Jerry, Kramer, and Steve are watching ESPN]

Sportscaster: “In a bizarre turn of events, the New York Mets are claiming their social media account was hacked after welcoming Juan Soto to New York…”

Steve: (moaning) This is a disaster.

Kramer: (checking his phone) Oh look, Soto just unfollowed the Mets.

Jerry: But hey, at least he still follows the Avengers.

Steve: (sulking) I hate social media.