The Mets Police

 

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

Steve is sitting despondently on the couch, scrolling through ticket sales reports on his tablet. Jerry and Elaine are sipping coffee at the kitchen counter.

STEVE: (frustrated) I don’t get it. Nobody’s buying tickets for the upcoming season.

JERRY: (suggestively) Why don’t you get rid of the fees? I hate it when something’s supposed to be $10, and then suddenly it’s $15 because of fees.

ELAINE: (curious) Yeah, what are those fees for anyway?

STEVE: (vaguely) You know, expenses.

JERRY: (probing) What kind of expenses? The “mystery” fee? The “because we can” fee?

STEVE: (defensively) It’s not like that. There are…operational costs, maintenance…

ELAINE: (interrupting) Maintenance? What, are you gold-plating the seats?

STEVE: (struggling) It’s complicated. There’s a lot that goes into running a stadium.

JERRY: (pushing for details) Enlighten us. What exactly do these fees cover? The “give the owner more money” fund?

STEVE: (exasperated) It’s for operational costs, Jerry. Things like security, maintenance, utilities…

JERRY: (incredulous) And if you’re not charging these fees, who’s paying for all this? The hot dog vendors?

STEVE: (reluctantly) Well, I am. The team covers it.

JERRY: (smirking) So why don’t you just pay for them all the time then? Become the hero of the common fan.

STEVE: (sighing) Because, Jerry, it’s not that simple. The costs have to be covered somehow.

ELAINE: (teasing) What about a “Steve’s Generosity” fee? At least that way, we know it’s going to something good.

KRAMER: (excitedly) Or you could have a reverse fee! Pay people to come to the games. I’d come every day!

JERRY: (joking) Yeah, the ‘Please Like Us’ discount.

STEVE: (chuckling despite himself) You guys are a real help, you know that?

INT. CITI FIELD – STEVE’S OFFICE – DAY

Steve is reviewing papers scattered across his desk when David walks in, looking apprehensive.

STEVE: (looking up) David, how are ticket sales going?

DAVID: (hesitantly) Not well, Steve. We’ve actually seen an increase in cancellations lately.

STEVE: (surprised) Cancellations? Why? Is it the fees?

DAVID: (uncomfortably) Well, it’s… it’s actually because of the dance team.

STEVE: (bewildered) The dance team? What about them?

DAVID: (explaining) It seems that some of our more… traditional fans aren’t too thrilled about the new routines. They say it’s too modern, not what they expect from a baseball game.

STEVE: (frustrated) “Not what they expect?” Well, what do they expect?

DAVID: (carefully) They were expecting…big moves, Steve. Like signing a headline player. They expected us to sign Ohtani.

STEVE: (throwing his hands up) He didn’t call! How many times do I have to say it? I can’t sign someone who doesn’t want to be signed.

The conversation takes a turn as David suggests a bold strategy to boost ticket sales.

DAVID: (thoughtfully) What if we cut the fees? I know I hate it when something that’s supposed to cost $10 ends up costing $15.

STEVE: (surprised) That’s exactly what Jerry said. A great idea… Let’s do it!

As they discuss the new strategy, Steve notices David trying to discreetly put something away.

STEVE: (curious) Hey, what’s that in your hand?

DAVID: (reluctantly) Oh, nothing…

STEVE: (insistent) No, come on, let me see.

Reluctantly, David hands over a piece of paper to Steve. It’s the team’s cellphone bill.

STEVE: (shocked) $200? Why is our cellphone bill $200? It’s not like I was calling Japan.

DAVID: (sheepishly) Well, it’s actually $139, but then there are… fees.

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – DAY

Steve, visibly stressed about the Mets’ pitching situation, is explaining his dilemma to Jerry, who is lounging on the couch, enjoying every moment of Steve’s discomfort.

STEVE: (frustrated) I’ve really done it this time, Jerry. We’re short on pitching, and with Senga out, I’m desperate for a solution.

JERRY: (sarcastically) What’s the plan, Steve? Gonna throw in the dance team as relief pitchers?

STEVE: (ignoring the jab) Actually, Kramer suggested we set up one of those secret pitching labs. You know, to give our pitchers an edge.

JERRY: (bursting into laughter) A secret pitching lab? Kramer’s your baseball advisor now? Why not just hire a witch doctor and be done with it?

STEVE: (defensive) It’s not a bad idea. Other teams have them. It could really work.

JERRY: (teasingly) Oh, I can see it now. The Mets’ secret weapon: a fastball taught by Professor Kramer. What’s next, the knuckleball of mystique?

STEVE: (exasperated) You’re not helping, Jerry.

JERRY: (continuing) And let’s not forget the dance team. Maybe you can develop a secret lab for them too. ‘The Physics of Pom-Poms.’

STEVE: (trying to stay focused) This isn’t a joke. We need an edge.

JERRY: (smirking) Steve, the only edge you’re going to find in a Kramer-approved lab is the edge of reality. And let me tell you, it’s a long drop.

Just then, Kramer slides into the apartment, full of excitement about his “revolutionary” pitching lab idea.

KRAMER: (proudly) You guys are gonna love this. I’ve got contacts, Jerry. Top men.

JERRY: (quipping) Top men? What, are they hiding the Ark of the Covenant in there too?

Steve and Kramer arrive at a rundown warehouse. Inside, instead of the high-tech facility Steve was expecting, they find a makeshift lab that looks more like a high school science fair gone wrong. There are a couple of eccentric “scientists” present, one of whom is using a leaf blower to simulate wind resistance.

STEVE: (horrified) This is the pitching lab?

KRAMER: (proudly) Yep, state-of-the-art technology.

One of the “scientists” attempts to demonstrate a new pitching machine, which malfunctions spectacularly, sending balls flying everywhere but the intended target.

SCIENTIST: (unperturbed) Just a few minor adjustments needed.

STEVE: (dismayed) We can’t use this! This is a disaster waiting to happen!

KRAMER: (trying to reassure him) Steve, you’ve got to see the potential here. These guys are visionaries!

Just then, a ball launched by the faulty machine breaks through a window, causing Steve to duck for cover.

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT – LATER THAT DAY

After the disastrous visit to the pitching lab, Steve and Kramer, retreat back to the safety of Jerry’s apartment. Steve is disheartened, Kramer is bewildered, and Elaine can’t stop laughing about the ordeal.

ELAINE: (laughing)The guy used a leaf blower to simulate a fastball? What’s next? Using a vacuum cleaner to teach curveballs?

JERRY: (joining in on the laughter) And what about that pitching machine that looked like it was held together with duct tape and prayers?

STEVE: (sighing) I was just trying to find an edge for the team.

JERRY: (chuckling) You know, Steve, you could have just signed Yamamoto and Ohtani. That would have been an edge.

STEVE: (defensive) Ohtani didn’t call, Jerry. I put the word out, but he didn’t call.

JERRY: (teasingly) What, were you expecting a bat signal? Maybe you should have sent them a carrier pigeon from Kramer’s elite bird messaging service.

ELAINE: (laughing) Yeah, Steve. Next time, try not to rely on Kramer’s “top men” or AT&T for your big signings.

KRAMER: (earnestly) You know, the pigeon could still work. It’s all about the presentation.

STEVE: (resignedly) Maybe I need to rethink my strategy. And my communication methods.

JERRY: (joking) Or maybe just start with making sure your phone works during the free agency period. That might be a good “edge” to start with.

KRAMER: (still optimistic) Well, I thought the rubber band slingshot had potential.

ELAINE: (teasing) Oh, absolutely, Kramer. Maybe you can pitch that to the dance team. ‘The Rubber Band Routine: Stretching Your Way to Success.’

STEVE: (trying to change the subject) Maybe we should just stick to traditional training methods.

JERRY: (smirking) You think? Maybe leave the secret labs to the comic books, Steve.

ELAINE: (still amused) And leave the dance routines to Broadway. At least when they leap through the air, it’s intentional.

There is an old saying that it is far more expensive to gain new customers rather than keeping the existing ones.

It looks to me  like the Mets PR team got stressed that the Dance Team is being mocked, and they got the Post to do some cleaning up for them.

Per the Post, MetsVP of Brand Marketing Trisha Donlin, whose Linkedin tells us – My extensive experience in content production, particularly on TikTok and Reels, aligns seamlessly with the dynamic vision for the New York Mets – said…

“I had to think about what makes Queens, Queens and what makes New York, New York,” Donlin said over the phone Sunday. “That’s where I thought about diversity, different performance styles, street dancing. Looking at subway performers, looking at the fact that we have the greatest talent pool in the United States with Broadway. All of that played into the identity of this team.”

The team — led by head coach Gina Mormando, a choreographer and dance mentor for more than 20 years on Long Island — will perform before games and between innings, including during the T-shirt toss and seventh-inning stretch.

There will be times when the dancers are in the aisles with routines more freestyle than choreographed.

Now what’s interesting to me there, is the Mets seem to think they are a baseball team for Queens.

Obviously The Mets have great research about their own fanbase, but based on what I know about the fanbase by the Eyeball Test – I think they are overplaying this Queens thing, and I am FROM Queens.

 I found this from 1998, attributed to The City Of New York, which had 15% of the fans being in Queens.  Obviously, that’s from last century and a lot can change in 25 years.  That study, again a quarter century old, had 26% of the fans from Long Island, which seems right to me.

The New York Times covered some frontrunnerism in 2015 – and tat too suggested a Nassau fanbase.  But again, the Mets should have some actual data on where the ticket-buyers live.

The Mets have done this sort of thing in the past.  There was the Los Mets initiative.  There was the time they were going to tap into the “Asian market” in Flushing.   What the Mets like to do is ignore the people that actually like the product.

“Of course you’re going to have long-standing fans that don’t want change,” Donlin said. “But we’re really optimistic that people are going to embrace this because the talent is really undeniable. This team sucks you in in a big way.

“It’s going to rally the crowd in a big way. … I think fans will see what we see.”

The Post also took some time in the article to wax Steve’s car, as a former coworker used to phrase things.  I find the entire article curious, but to me it seems like someone in the organization wasn’t happy with the buzz, and told the PR team to pick up the phone and the Post played along.

I continue to have my speculation as to who is behind this and why Steve is feisty about it.  Time will tell.

I will also be curious to see how Gary and Howie handle this.

And one more thought – what’s this franchise going to be like after a summer in which the fans turn on Steve, AND Steve doesn’t get his casino.  Will he get bored with that project and get kind of hands off, while the dance team people run the show?

I thought I’d collect these for you guys.

The Dinner  – Steve has some Japanese agents over to his house

The Phone Call – Ohtani signs with the Dodgers because Steve never called.

The Rejection – now Yamamoto has signed with the Dodgers

The Airing of Grievances – Frank is unhappy with the Mets off-season

The Santa – in an attempt to get good press, Steve volunteers at the mall.

The Gift – Steve gets a thank you gift from Ohtani

The Aura – Steve explains why he hired Carlos Mendoza

The Queens Crew – Steve’s latest idea is to add a dance crew

The Opposite –  since spending a lot of money didn’t work, Steve decided not to sign anyone.

The Uniforms – Steve is excited about the team’s new uniforms

The Copycat – the Yankees start to copy one of Steve’s ideas

The Fried Rice – a new food stand in Queens goes sideways

The Outage – due to the AT&T outage, Steve is unable to join a conference call with Japanese sports agents

The Impression – even though the Mets didn’t sign anyone, Steve feels they made an impression.

Mets Police is a mix of news and parody. This is the parody part.

ICYMI here’s my take on the Mets dance team

From her name and photo, Charlotte appears to be a Yankees fan…

And Steve responded to this.  Is he on twitter searching for what people are saying about his Dance Team.   Hi Steve!

My theory here is that Steve doesn’t care about the dance team, but it’s a project that someone else is working on, and Steve is being protective of someone else.

Anyway, if Steve can’t take an innocuous line from a Yankees fan, he’s in for one heck of a ride this summer with his first time owning a bad baseball team without that new car smell.